Next up... ghosts. I don't really believe in ghosts, especially not the "Casper in a white sheet going to haunt you" kind. Because really, that's bizarre. And what's the point? I watch Ghost Adventures a lot and kind of laugh at them hunting ghosts. Going into hospitals and jails and mental institutions in the hopes of finding unsettled spirits. It's silly and it's fun, but I don't really believe it.
On the other hand, I believe in ghosts in dreams, and I'm not even sure ghosts is the right word to use for this concept, of the people with whom you have a deep spiritual connection. The part I'm unsure about is how it happens and why it happens. The part I'm very sure about is that no one talks about it and if I said my theory on ghosts out loud, to the people in my real life, I think they'd laugh at me. (You can laugh at me too, if I sound ridiculous, but just don't make fun of me in the comments please.)
But here goes...
I lost my mother 6 years ago. But we had that very deep, very close mother-daughter connection. My mother is frequently in my dreams. Sometimes it's fun, and it feels like we're hanging out like we always did. Sometimes I'm aware (or almost aware) that it's a dream, that it feels weird to be in a dream situation and say to someone, "Let's ask Mom" and Mom is there to answer. During those times, when I'm aware that Mom isn't really around to answer the mundane questions anymore, I can go one of two ways. Either I'm aware on some level that it's just a dream, but I'm enjoying having my mother back, so I keep dreaming. The other option is that I get a little desperate and try to change the moment because I feel like I have to catch up with her on all the things in my life. I have so much I wish I could tell her.
Sometimes, (and this is the part that I think people would laugh at me if they knew) my mom is in my dreams in an advisory capacity. Seriously. Ever since she died, whenever it's been something really hard or big or painful or scary or significant in my life, in my dreams, my mom has weighed in. She has sometimes told me not to worry, sometimes she does something or shows me something that makes me realize the way things will work out.
Now on some level, I'm going with the fact that we had a deep bond. They say that when someone dies, they're always in your heart. Probably my dreams of my mom are the part of my heart that carries her around. Probably when I'm stressed out and missing my mom and wondering what I should do about something, rather than actually hearing from her, I know what she would have said. Probably.
However, since we've been matched, I haven't heard from my mom. AT ALL. No ghost dream, no dream about baby, nothing. Not even a flash of her. I'm a little bit freaking out, because where could she be? I've always dreamed her when I've needed her, and for the last 2 months, I really thought I've needed her. This is the first time in 6 years that I've wanted her and needed her and she's been silent. So all this time, I've been stressed that maybe this match is doomed to fail. Because she's never been silent on something when I really need her advice. I've never gone 2 whole months without dreaming of her. But where could she be?
I also kind of believe in signs and things from God, the universe, whatever. Sometimes things just seem too right to be a coincidence.
Yesterday for the first time, I think I heard from my mom about this adoption. I think it's going to be OK and I think my mom told me. (And I know that I sound crazy saying it.) Yesterday was kind of a weird day, (actually, all my days are weird these days) and I went to my regular grocery store. They didn't have what I wanted, I was feeling kind of aimless, so I went to the faraway store. The one with the animated characters that sing songs and do shows. Just as I pulled into the parking lot at the faraway store, my cell phone rang. It was our social worker calling with an update. Basically a "no new news" update, but I'm just happy she called!
After we got off the phone, I started to whirl around in my mind all the possibilities of what may happen in the next few days. I had that knot in the pit of my stomach. These parents may not sign TPR. I started to feel stressed. Suddenly, some of the animated characters in the store were doing a show. They were singing my favorite song as a little kid that my mom used to sing to me all the time. As I got older, she still always used to sing it to me. One year for Christmas, I downloaded as many versions of the song as I could find. I made her an entire CD of this one song, like 20 different versions. It was a meaningful song for us, and not one you hear all the time. Not one I've ever heard played at this store.
Of course, I heard the song, felt like it was from my mom and broke down in the dairy department. Sigh. But the better news is that it felt like a hug from my mom. Reassurance and an "it'll be OK," which is exactly what I need.
Am I seeing things that are not there? Probably. I just liked the idea of finally hearing from her. That and I miss her hugs, so I have to take them as they come these days, even if it's from an animated robot singing a favorite song in the dairy department.