Drama, drama, drama

First things first, no baby yet. The doctor says they'll induce her sometime next week if the baby doesn't come over the weekend.

Second. We've just had drama, drama, drama over this whole adoption. It drives me crazy. I'm such an anti-drama person. I don't attract drama people, I don't like to be around them. I just want a quiet, peaceful life.

It's been a whole lot of "will she or won't she?" crap, from the social workers, to the expectant parents themselves. I sort of want to distance myself from it completely and say that if there's nothing we can do until the baby's born, call me when the baby is born.

It sounds cruel and insensitive for me to say, and please don't think that I don't have empathy or compassion for these expectant parents and the choices they have to make in the next few weeks. My heart is broken for them. And I cannot imagine the way they must be feeling right now. So broken and hurting and awful. I get that.

What gets me is the way the social workers don't seem to know how to respond to her. Yet these are social workers! Who specialize in adoption! They ought to know.

I guess I expected social workers to be more realistic and factual with her. Like, "Let's all acknowledge why you're even considering placing a child for adoption. You live in squalor, you have no education, you have no money..." etc. And obviously, no social worker would phrase it like that. (That's why they're social workers and I just stay quiet!)

But it bugs me that she seems to be in fantasyland and the social worker allows that to continue. Rather than explain to her that open adoption does not mean that you get to name the child, take the child for overnight visitations, babysit for us, have monthly visits, weekly phone calls, take summer vacations with us, and whatever else, the social worker instead proposes these as demands that we ought to consider meeting. And that if we're not willing to consider these things, maybe we should re-evaulate the level of "openness" that we will accept. Huh? What? She's asking for the moon and the stars and we're not "open" because we don't have the moon and stars to give? Come on.

I hope this adoption happens. I hope that this whole thing works out for all of us. I hope that if it doesn't happen, that my life will go on relatively normally. I recognize that it will hurt, that I will be sad, and that I'll hate the way it plays out.

I hope I'm tough enough to meet a baby within the next week that may not be ours. I hope that if he's not ours that the situation these parents are in will change drastically. They are in no position to care for a baby. I just wish I could turn the calendar to August already and know how it's going to end! The next month or so is going to be really hard and painful no matter what the result.

Baby Showers

How do you all feel about baby showers? I hate them. I never want to go to them, and I rarely do. (I didn't even really like wedding showers all that much either, but I'm old enough that I've passed out of friends/family having wedding showers and have moved into baby showers.)

It's weird. I'm always happy for the people having a baby. Having a baby is a great thing and definitely worth celebrating. I just don't like to go to a party and ooh and aah over a bunch of baby stuff. Or ooh and aah over a pregnant lady.

Quick catch up for anyone new - Mister and I were married in 2003, TTC 2004-2006, and started our adoption process in 2010.  So it's been a long road without children. A friend who was married the same weekend as me and started TTC around the same time as us now has 3 kids and her oldest is halfway through kindergarten. It's been a long time that I've been without children. I know it's not a race, and everyone finds their way at their own pace and I'm OK with that. Except at baby showers.

A long time ago, I drew the line that I would not go to baby showers. Except for the showers of certain very close friends or if either of my 2 SILs had baby showers. Otherwise, I send a gift and make alternate plans for the day.

Mister doesn't understand why I've drawn that line, why it's hard for me to go to showers, why it makes me sad. While it's true that (fringe acquaintance/colleague/family member) having a baby has no impact on our ability to ever have a baby, it's somehow related. I can't quite explain why they're related, but they somehow are.

I've always said that I don't want a shower when it's my turn. I hate being the center of a party like that, I hated it at my bridal showers, I hated pretending I was happy and excited to open another set of bowls or towels. I mean, I was happy to get the stuff, of course, but really, they're bowls. Or towels. And I made a list and said, "Buy me this." and then they did. How excited can I be about it? Part of me not wanting a shower also goes along with the uncertainty of domestic adoption. There's a part of me that won't believe our match or placement is true until a year has gone by. I don't want to open boxes of clothes and monitors and whatever else people need for a baby and then not have a baby, you know?  So it's not likely that I'll register, I'm really hoping that I won't have a shower, and that's kind of how I want it.

But this all comes up today not because I'm thinking of a shower for myself anyway. I talked to my dad today and he told me that my aunt is looking for my address because this cousin's baby is due in April. And April is soon. And my aunt is having a shower for my cousin. And before my dad even told me what the date was, I was making plans to be out of town that day... I'd prefer to send a gift and make other plans for the day. As I do. But I know that Mister will want me to go, which is all fine and good since he won't be invited, so we'll see. And I know that my dad would never understand why I don't do baby showers. I think the only way I'd go to this shower is if my SIL is planning on going. And I bet she isn't. At least I hope she isn't.

Please tell me that I'm not a terrible person for:
1) Hating baby showers in general
2) Not planning to have one for myself when I have a baby
3) Not going to my cousin's baby shower

Why Is It?

I found out yesterday that a friend of a friend has started a photography business. I saw some of her pictures, and honestly, meh. She's not that good. Of course, this affects me not at all in my life. She lives several states away and takes maternity pictures and pictures of people's babies. So this lady's photography business is no business of mine. I get that.

But this bugs me.

Here's the thing. In my mind, if you're going to charge people for something, you ought to be able to provide a service that they can't do for themselves.

And if I were going to start a business, it would be either a bakery or photography. Those are 2 things that I'm really good at. Like good enough that people could pay me to do them and I wouldn't feel like I'm taking their money.

But if I were going to start a business, I'd want to be even better than I am now. I'm one of those "strive for greatness" kinds of people, and I'd hate to do it if I couldn't do it well.

In kind of an unnecessarily snarky way, when I looked at this person's pictures the other day, I thought to myself, "Hmm. I hope they didn't pay her a lot for those! They're just kind of mediocre."

It's weird - because really, what do I care if someone gets ripped off by paying a mediocre photographer? No one's paying me to take nice pictures, so it's not like she's taking away business or that she and I are in direct competition for maternity photos or whatever. But I know that if I took just regular pictures like that, I wouldn't be posting them on a website advertising my business either.

I just think there's a difference between being able to take OK pictures of your own kid and charging other people for mediocre pictures.

I don't know. Just kind of a dumb rant. Don't mind me. But make sure that if you hire a photographer that she's excellent and not mediocre!