Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers

Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers

Monday, February 7, 2011

Baby Showers

How do you all feel about baby showers? I hate them. I never want to go to them, and I rarely do. (I didn't even really like wedding showers all that much either, but I'm old enough that I've passed out of friends/family having wedding showers and have moved into baby showers.)

It's weird. I'm always happy for the people having a baby. Having a baby is a great thing and definitely worth celebrating. I just don't like to go to a party and ooh and aah over a bunch of baby stuff. Or ooh and aah over a pregnant lady.

Quick catch up for anyone new - Mister and I were married in 2003, TTC 2004-2006, and started our adoption process in 2010.  So it's been a long road without children. A friend who was married the same weekend as me and started TTC around the same time as us now has 3 kids and her oldest is halfway through kindergarten. It's been a long time that I've been without children. I know it's not a race, and everyone finds their way at their own pace and I'm OK with that. Except at baby showers.

A long time ago, I drew the line that I would not go to baby showers. Except for the showers of certain very close friends or if either of my 2 SILs had baby showers. Otherwise, I send a gift and make alternate plans for the day.

Mister doesn't understand why I've drawn that line, why it's hard for me to go to showers, why it makes me sad. While it's true that (fringe acquaintance/colleague/family member) having a baby has no impact on our ability to ever have a baby, it's somehow related. I can't quite explain why they're related, but they somehow are.

I've always said that I don't want a shower when it's my turn. I hate being the center of a party like that, I hated it at my bridal showers, I hated pretending I was happy and excited to open another set of bowls or towels. I mean, I was happy to get the stuff, of course, but really, they're bowls. Or towels. And I made a list and said, "Buy me this." and then they did. How excited can I be about it? Part of me not wanting a shower also goes along with the uncertainty of domestic adoption. There's a part of me that won't believe our match or placement is true until a year has gone by. I don't want to open boxes of clothes and monitors and whatever else people need for a baby and then not have a baby, you know?  So it's not likely that I'll register, I'm really hoping that I won't have a shower, and that's kind of how I want it.

But this all comes up today not because I'm thinking of a shower for myself anyway. I talked to my dad today and he told me that my aunt is looking for my address because this cousin's baby is due in April. And April is soon. And my aunt is having a shower for my cousin. And before my dad even told me what the date was, I was making plans to be out of town that day... I'd prefer to send a gift and make other plans for the day. As I do. But I know that Mister will want me to go, which is all fine and good since he won't be invited, so we'll see. And I know that my dad would never understand why I don't do baby showers. I think the only way I'd go to this shower is if my SIL is planning on going. And I bet she isn't. At least I hope she isn't.

Please tell me that I'm not a terrible person for:
1) Hating baby showers in general
2) Not planning to have one for myself when I have a baby
3) Not going to my cousin's baby shower


  1. You are perfectly normal! I don't attend them either. My bff who spent 10 years trying and finally adopted didn't have one for herself. With adoption you don't want one before you get the baby because of all the uncertainties and afterwards well you already need it and got it. Although I think I am going to go ahead and research what products I want and will do a registry. I think it will make it easier when the time comes since I think it will come quickly.
    It bothers my hubby, too, but he said it was because he was worried about how IF was changing me and maybe I wouldn't actually like a baby. Since that conversation it has been better for him to realize that was not the case.
    So take heart that you are not abnormal. ((Hugs))

  2. I'm right there with you! Although, I have a very creative side and I actually love throwing/hosting baby showers (for only family and very close friends). It gives me the opportunity to be creative. my friends are moving into the kid's birthday parties stage and that's where I'm drawing my line. Atleast at showers the actual child isn't there yet...but birthday parties (especially 1st birthdays) way! You're absolutely justified to feel the way you do! I hope your SIL decides not to go!

  3. Nope, nope and nope! I avoided even being around pregnant friends when we were in the thick of things. And, oddly enough,I still can't relate to them. I guess that's the IF gift that keeps on giving...

  4. I don't think that any of what you mentioned is horrible. I feel the same way (about all of it!)

  5. I know exactly what you mean, but do disagree on one point. I was stoked when we created our nursery to prepare for our adoption photos for our profile book. (We thought it would be important to showcase the nursery to the parents who viewed our book so they could see where their little one would end up.) However, with my folks and the hubs folks asking how they could help we ended up doing the dreaded - registry. (Plus it really helps when the MIL keeps asking me what type of cloth diapers we want, etc. Now I can just say - "Go check the list!") We did most of the registering online, mostly because I felt like an imposter and I did not want any questions from store associates about - when the baby was due etc. However, we did have to go into the store to test out strollers, buy a crib and mattress, and added a couple of other things to the list while we were there.

    The thing that made me even more irritated about the entire process is that to create a registry you need a DUE DATE. When you adopt, you just don't know when your baby will come into your life. Without that information it would not let me set it up and I ended up making a "Wish List" instead.

    With all of the pending adoption expenses we needed help getting set up for this little one more than we could ever imagine, so skipping out on the registry was not really something that ever crossed my mind from a financial stand point. However, we are not permitting any showers until after the baby arrives. (And I secretly hope that this will insure that there aren't any.)

    But, please know you are not alone in not wanting to attend them, even if they are your own relatives. I found out we were losing a baby two weeks before one of my very best friends told us she was preggo. It almost killed me to go to her shower, and then I declined on her "Sip & See" once the baby was born, sometimes it's just too much to handle.

  6. ha! i'm laughing at heather's comment...
    you are totally normal in feeling this way! i did for several years. and i had a really hard time getting myself excited for mine because a) i hated the attention and b) there was still a part of me that wondered if everything was really going to work out. but, i actually enjoyed myself and loved being surrounded by people that that had loved and supported us on our adoption journey. you never know, you might really enjoy it! oh, and all the stuff is awesome (heehee)...if you hate registering, you might even just want to do a theme shower, like diapers and books -- things you'll need and love but don't have to register for.

  7. Just blog hopped on over from another site. And just had to say I agree on all three fronts. I drew the line on baby showers this past fall after I left one and balled the whole way home. Unless it's a very dear friend or family, I'm done. I've told my hubs, fam and friends no shower, no nursery, etc. I need a baby living in our home before I can go there, we'll survive with a few clothes, diapers, food and a place for baby to sleep for a while. I say good for you for not going to the shower, especially since you don't have reinforcements with your SIL.

    Anyway, hi from a fellow waiting adoptive parent.

  8. I am the exact same way. I will do whatever it takes to avoid all baby showers. My MIL gets pissed because the shower always takes place with someone on that side of the family. Why would I want to go and talk about all things baby and preggo when that's something I will never be able to enjoy? To me it just seems like rubbing a salt/lemon juice cocktail on a very large open wound. I wish I could remember what book I read this in but the author stated in VERY clear words that it's perfectly acceptable to abstain from baby showers and any other gatherings that could potentially cause you emotional pain. So I say plan a pampering day for yourself that day and your hubs will just have to learn to understand or just let it be. :)
    Good luck!

  9. I don't like showers either! For my children we had a meet the baby party after they arrived! Much more fun!!