Waiting

Last week, I was on an adoption related forum, and a bunch of the posters were talking about adoption Christmas ornaments. I have to say, I've seen many, and I've never seen any that were my taste at all. (If you're reading this and thinking, "I love adoption ornaments and I have 35 of them on my tree!" I'm sorry and I don't mean to insult you or your tree. I'm sure your tree is lovely, but adoption ornaments have just never been my thing.)

Anyway, on this forum, one lady posted a picture of an ornament that she got while she was waiting to adopt her daughter. It said, "We will hold you in our hearts until we can hold you in our arms." For whatever reason, that struck me as one of the most lovely sentiments I'd ever read. And it was phrased nicely. It just hit all the right notes for me.

I told Mister about it, and he rolled his eyes. He doesn't get this whole "waiting" thing. His perspective on having an ornament to acknowledge "waiting" is that it's mournful, and hanging a reminder on the Christmas tree of what we don't have. So the idea of holding someone in our hearts while we wait only serves to make us sad about who's not here instead of celebrating and enjoying the people who are here with us now.

I kind of get it. Kind of. I didn't really have a response to him about it either. But here's why it's different for me. Being sad about who's not here (which I totally am) doesn't fall into the "adoption waiting" department. When I'm sad and mad about who's not here, when I get annoyed at the fact that EVERY SINGLE LAST ONE of my friends has kid(s) and that they get to send picture Christmas cards and buy Baby's First Christmas 2010 ornaments and write jackass messages on Facebook about how many diapers they've changed or when was the last time they slept (last Tuesday) or whatever, I don't blame adoption for that. Oh no, those complaints go straight to the source - infertility.

In my mind, infertility = bad, terrible, angry, sad, all those feelings that make me mournful for who's not in our house for this Christmas, last Christmas, any Christmas. I can be angry with our infertility. I am furious with our infertility. It has robbed us for the last 6 Christmases of the holidays we dreamed of. That's the infertility department. That's where all the hateful feelings go.

But adoption = hope. We Wait in Joyful Hope, remember. I am angry, furious, even hate infertility. But infertility is not the same as adoption. Sure, we're adopting because of infertility, but I come to adoption with an absolutely pure and hopeful heart. When I think of adoption, I don't think of that feeling of having been robbed for the 6 Christmases in the past. I think of the future, and all the Christmases we will have together. Someday.

You know how people can read the same thing and get a different meaning? "We will hold you in our hearts until we can hold you in our arms" doesn't emphasize empty arms to me. It emphasizes hope for the time when I will hold our baby in my arms. It's not empty arms, it's full heart. To me, that ornament says, "Hang on, Baby. We're coming. Someday we'll all be together."

On the other hand, I don't need an ornament to tell me that I have a heart that's full of hope for the future. "Hang on, Baby. We're coming. Someday we'll all be together." Well, that's what I say to myself every day, every breath. Every fiber of my being is waiting. This baby does not leave my thoughts. Hanging an ornament wouldn't change that.

Honestly, I probably wouldn't have gotten a "waiting family" adoption ornament anyway. As I said, it wasn't really ever my style. But I absolutely will be holding this baby in my heart until I'm holding him/her in my arms, no matter what I hang on my Christmas tree. And some Christmas, my arms will be as full as my heart.

Weird Weekend

Ok, we'll sum it up in 2 sentences.

Saturday, I went to a baby shower for a friend, where another friend told me that she is also pregnant. After the shower, I drove home where I checked Facebook, logged on and saw a pregnancy announcement from yet another friend.

Wha?!? A baby shower for a hugely pregnant friend, where another friend told me about her pregnancy only to go on Facebook and see someone else announce a pregnancy on the same exact day!?!

It's funny. Mister and I have been married a long time. 7 years now. When we were married for 2 years and none of our other friends had kids yet, it seemed like everyone was telling us to have a baby. That was also when we were TTC, so it seemed particularly painful to not be able to be pregnant and it felt like everyone noticed. Now, everyone has babies and kids and no one asks us anymore. I guess people just figure that if we were going to have kids, we'd have done it already.

When our very first friend got pregnant after only trying for a month, when we had been married for 2 years, I cried. I cried that year when any friends got pregnant, any teachers at my school, basically anyone that I knew (even remotely knew) got pregnant, I cried.

Honestly, I'm kinda over it now. Everyone else is (or already has been) pregnant. Whatever. It'll be my turn. Not to be pregnant, of course, but certainly to have a baby. I'm really not worried about it anymore in relation to "but everyone else already has a baby...." As I'm fond of saying to Mister, "If this was a race, we lost." We totally lost that race in 2005 when my first good friend told me she was pregnant. So it never was a race anyway, but if it was, we definitely lost. So whatever. I don't really cry or get upset at pregnancy announcements anymore. Apparently it is what happens to women in their late 20s, early 30s and mid 30s.

But sheesh, 2 announcements on the same day as a baby shower?! Now that's a bit much.

Actually, I've decided to do this as 2 separate parts because the other part is getting super long. Probably most people won't care what my other half of the weird weekend was, so I'll split it out, and if you care, you can keep reading. If you don't care, don't feel compelled to continue!

Updates All Around

1) Book club was weird. I was the only one who came. Well, me and the guy who set the whole thing up. So we chatted and hung out, talking about the book, life, other books, movies, TV, whatever. It was awkward, as it always is to meet somebody new. It felt kind of like a first date. Which seriously, I've been married for over 7 years. Before we got married, we dated for 6 years. Folks, I haven't been on a date with a new person since 1997. So I went on a book club date last night. It was weird. But I guess I'd go back next month, so that's good.

2) Our profile books were delivered to the agency yesterday. Now we're just waiting for our social worker to send the final copy of the home study, and that's completely out of our control, so we've done what we can do.

3) Out of the blue this morning, I got an e-mail from the personnel director in the town where I interviewed for the kindergarten job last summer. When I spoke with the principal in August, she recommended that I sign up to substitute, which I did, but no one ever called. But today, she did. She's going to send out the paperwork to me today, so maybe within the next few weeks, I'll be working again.

So that's what's new around here.

Social Stuff

Thanks for all the support on my Christmas wish! I just hope it comes true.

I have a quick adoption update and 2 social quandaries to discuss.

Adoption Update - I got an e-mail today from someone at the agency who said that our fingerprints have been received at the agency and that's one more thing we're no longer waiting for. Also, the profile books are scheduled to be delivered to the agency tomorrow. Now they're waiting for the final copy of our home study and a big old check from us. I guess I'll send the check tomorrow. And then, holy moly, I think we're officially waiting. Who knows how long we'll be waiting, but waiting is better than being almost ready to be waiting, no?

Weird Social Situation #1 - This is not a quandary as much as it is just weird, but here it is. I signed up to go to a book club that meets tomorrow night. I'm scared to death. I read the book, and I liked it, but I'm nervous to talk about it. But you know, we moved down here almost 4 years ago, and I have no friends here. I worked with a bunch of great people at my school 2 years ago, but I don't really see them or talk to them that much anymore. They're all busy working in the pressure cooker that is elementary school. I was great friends with them when I worked there, because we were all there 10-12 hours a day and they were really cool people. But now, they're at work 10-12 hours a day, and I'm home. So I figure it can't hurt to do something new that may expand my social circle. But I'm scared to death. But you know that saying? "Do one thing every day that scares you." Well, I know what mine is for tomorrow! Gulp. Mister keeps telling me that the worst thing that could happen is that I go and it's terrible. Then I won't go back next month. And who cares? It's just about trying something new and maybe meeting some new people. So that's my first weird social situation of the night.

Weird Social Situation #2 - This week on Facebook, I reconnected with someone that I haven't seen in probably 9 years. We used to work together, and I left that job 9 years ago, and I really don't think I've seen her since. As with probably any 9 year segment of anybody's life, a lot can happen in 9 years. 9 years ago, I was engaged, I was in grad school, I had a job, we lived in Massachusetts, we hadn't gone through any IF stuff, we definitely weren't home study ready for adoption (woo hoo! I just have to keep throwing that out there because it's so exciting...) So of course, she wrote on my wall tonight, "How are you? What are you up to now?"

I feel like I could go several ways with this. I'm generally a positive, happy person. I'm not a complainer. And most importantly, *NO ONE* in our lives (except for 2 very close friends and one brother) knows about our adoption plans. We are not "out" at all about our IF and adoption stuff. Obviously, we tell people that we don't have kids, but we tend to shut down the conversation there. I'm just not a sharer (funny to think of the cognitive dissonance that allows my non-sharing personality to write a blog.)

But in the last 9 years, I've gone through a lot of crap. A lot of great stuff, too, but it feels like the great stuff is less significant stuff. Except being married. That remains the most incredible thing I've ever done, and Mister remains the most incredible person I know.

So since I last talked to this lady, I finished grad school, got married, got the greatest dog, went through IF crap, moved to Connecticut, got a great job, lost a great job, still have no kids, took some awesome trips, and a bunch of other stuff.

But it's weird because I don't even really know how honest or open I want to be with her anyway. I haven't seen her in 9 years. And I liked her, I liked working with her; she was a lot of fun. But I haven't seen her or talked to her in 9 years. So beyond the "Oh, we're great, live in CT now, keeping busy" filler, maybe it won't even go further. If I ran into her in the mall somehow, that's probably all I'd give her. But because it's Facebook and it's the same space I share with some deep friendships and family, I'm tempted to be open and honest and tell her that it's been 9 years with ups and downs. I don't know. Facebook is weird, man.

How honest would you be with her if you were me?

Better

Thanks for bearing with my blah feeling last week. I was able to push through it by making some Oreo cheesecake cupcakes. They were awesome. Well, the recipe made 30 cheesecake cupcakes, so they continue to be awesome. I've eaten about 3, Mister's had maybe another 3, and he took a dozen and a half to work with him. I think we have 6 or 7 left...

As I said in this post, I am a little obsessed with Christmas. I love it. I love Christmas music, I love cooking and baking for Christmas, I love decorating. I just love Christmas. I pretty much always have.

A few years ago, we decided in my family not to exchange gifts with each other anymore. My brothers are all really bad at buying gifts, and it clearly was highly stressful for them. We never liked the things that we bought for each other, so we just decided not to buy gifts for each other. When we told Mister's family that we were not buying gifts in my family, they decided that it sounded like a good idea too, and in both families, we stopped doing a gift exchange.

That may have happened in 2007, I don't remember. So for a few years, we had these weird Christmases without gifts. Last year, we were with my family for Christmas, and we all went on a trip together. That was fun.

This year, we're spending Christmas with Mister's family. I told Mister that I want gifts again. I don't care if his parents get us anything, or his sister. Or if we get them anything. But we've at least decided that we should buy something for each other.

Mister asked me what I want, and I told him that I want one of those 3 stone past, present, future necklaces. Not necessarily that one that I linked to, but one like it. But when I wear it, the stones won't represent the past, present and future. Each stone will stand for a person in our family. One stone for me, one for Mister, and one for baby. I wonder if I'll get one.

If I do, then I can wear it and it will be a visible symbol of our waiting. Not that anyone would look at a 3 stone diamond necklace and assume that each stone stands for a member of my family. Not that I would tell anyone. Also, not that I forget for a second of any day that I'm waiting for that 3rd person to join our family.

Then the other thing I thought of that would be cool is if I get one of those necklaces and wear it while we wait for baby, someday I could give the necklace to baby when he or she is an adult. Obviously, this scenario works better if baby is a girl. But maybe a guy would like a piece of jewelry. Especially if the story behind the piece of jewelry is, "I wore it when we were waiting for you. I wore it as a reminder to myself that you were always in my heart. And I wore it knowing that I would give it to you someday."

Does anyone else have any good holiday wishes this year?

Blah

I'm feeling very blah this week. If that's even a word. I need a new project, because I don't really feel like doing much of anything.

It feels so weird, because I worked so hard on our profile books for so very long, and now I kind of don't know what to do with myself since I've finished.

But here's a quick list of what's happening.

1) I ordered the profile books to send to our agency. If, in a few months, we decide to switch to a larger agency, we may have to redo and reorder our profile books. I figure that goes into the "cross that bridge when I get to it" category.

2) Our home study is finished. Our social worker finished writing it and sent me a draft copy. I know that I'm not alone in this, as I've read on other blogs and adoption message boards and whatnot. Our home study was full of mistakes. Not so many factual things that she got wrong, but more spelling and punctuation and grammar stuff. That aggravated me. It's just sloppy, and someone with a master's degree should have been held to higher standards in school and in work all along. I shouldn't have to explain to a social worker in her late 20s with a master's degree, that when writing about my brothers, she should call them brothers and not brother's. So I fixed it for her. The whole thing. Because my other option was to allow her to submit a home study with spelling errors. And that seemed stupider than making the errors in the first place. So I fixed them.

3) Otherwise, it's been a quiet week. I got a new food processor for my birthday, and I haven't used it yet. I've been too much in a funk to bake. But today is rainy, so I just may start cooking something. I got a bunch of new cupcake pans, which is good because my other one was so old. I think I got it in 1999 or something. I saw them at Target for 50% off! They're awesome because they come with plastic covers that snap on to the pan. So now I can make cupcakes, put them back into the pan after I frost them, and Mister can put the lid on and take the whole thing to work.

Nothing really exciting. Kind of a blah week, see what I mean? It's a good thing this is not an ICLW week because I would so not be into it! Anyway, sorry that I've fallen behind on my reading and commenting. I'm back now, I think.