A Little Bit of Everything

Still no baby. Maybe over the weekend?

Next up... ghosts. I don't really believe in ghosts, especially not the "Casper in a white sheet going to haunt you" kind. Because really, that's bizarre. And what's the point? I watch Ghost Adventures a lot and kind of laugh at them hunting ghosts. Going into hospitals and jails and mental institutions in the hopes of finding unsettled spirits. It's silly and it's fun, but I don't really believe it.

On the other hand, I believe in ghosts in dreams, and I'm not even sure ghosts is the right word to use for this concept, of the people with whom you have a deep spiritual connection. The part I'm unsure about is how it happens and why it happens. The part I'm very sure about is that no one talks about it and if I said my theory on ghosts out loud, to the people in my real life, I think they'd laugh at me. (You can laugh at me too, if I sound ridiculous, but just don't make fun of me in the comments please.)

But here goes...

I lost my mother 6 years ago. But we had that very deep, very close mother-daughter connection. My mother is frequently in my dreams. Sometimes it's fun, and it feels like we're hanging out like we always did. Sometimes I'm aware (or almost aware) that it's a dream, that it feels weird to be in a dream situation and say to someone, "Let's ask Mom" and Mom is there to answer. During those times, when I'm aware that Mom isn't really around to answer the mundane questions anymore, I can go one of two ways. Either I'm aware on some level that it's just a dream, but I'm enjoying having my mother back, so I keep dreaming. The other option is that I get a little desperate and try to change the moment because I feel like I have to catch up with her on all the things in my life. I have so much I wish I could tell her.

Sometimes, (and this is the part that I think people would laugh at me if they knew) my mom is in my dreams in an advisory capacity. Seriously. Ever since she died, whenever it's been something really hard or big or painful or scary or significant in my life, in my dreams, my mom has weighed in. She has sometimes told me not to worry, sometimes she does something or shows me something that makes me realize the way things will work out.

Now on some level, I'm going with the fact that we had a deep bond. They say that when someone dies, they're always in your heart. Probably my dreams of my mom are the part of my heart that carries her around. Probably when I'm stressed out and missing my mom and wondering what I should do about something, rather than actually hearing from her, I know what she would have said. Probably.

However, since we've been matched, I haven't heard from my mom. AT ALL. No ghost dream, no dream about baby, nothing. Not even a flash of her. I'm a little bit freaking out, because where could she be? I've always dreamed her when I've needed her, and for the last 2 months, I really thought I've needed her. This is the first time in 6 years that I've wanted her and needed her and she's been silent. So all this time, I've been stressed that maybe this match is doomed to fail. Because she's never been silent on something when I really need her advice. I've never gone 2 whole months without dreaming of her. But where could she be?

I also kind of believe in signs and things from God, the universe, whatever. Sometimes things just seem too right to be a coincidence. 

Yesterday for the first time, I think I heard from my mom about this adoption. I think it's going to be OK and I think my mom told me. (And I know that I sound crazy saying it.) Yesterday was kind of a weird day, (actually, all my days are weird these days) and I went to my regular grocery store. They didn't have what I wanted, I was feeling kind of aimless, so I went to the faraway store. The one with the animated characters that sing songs and do shows. Just as I pulled into the parking lot at the faraway store, my cell phone rang. It was our social worker calling with an update. Basically a "no new news" update, but I'm just happy she called!

After we got off the phone, I started to whirl around in my mind all the possibilities of what may happen in the next few days. I had that knot in the pit of my stomach. These parents may not sign TPR. I started to feel stressed. Suddenly, some of the animated characters in the store were doing a show. They were singing my favorite song as a little kid that my mom used to sing to me all the time. As I got older, she still always used to sing it to me. One year for Christmas, I downloaded as many versions of the song as I could find. I made her an entire CD of this one song, like 20 different versions. It was a meaningful song for us, and not one you hear all the time. Not one I've ever heard played at this store. 

Of course, I heard the song, felt like it was from my mom and broke down in the dairy department. Sigh. But the better news is that it felt like a hug from my mom. Reassurance and an "it'll be OK," which is exactly what I need.

Am I seeing things that are not there? Probably. I just liked the idea of finally hearing from her. That and I miss her hugs, so I have to take them as they come these days, even if it's from an animated robot singing a favorite song in the dairy department. 

Breaking the Silence...

Hey bloggie friends.

It's been a while. I'll tell you all my news.

• Last time I wrote, my cousin's wife was having a baby shower and my SIL and I didn't want to go. When I found out that my SIL was out of town, I made Mister plan a vacation to the Caribbean. I couldn't lie to my aunt and say that I was out of town if I wasn't. 

• So I was able to RSVP to my aunt and say "thanks for thinking of me, I'd love to come, but I'll be in the islands where it's sunny and 80 degrees." And I'm such a lucky girl that we could actually plan a getaway in about 10 days' time. It was one of the most remarkable vacations ever. Like a second honeymoon. The kind of trip that if you never have another trip like it, you can say it's OK because you have the memories of it forever. It was that good. 

• Then we got home and I decided that I would start a serious exercise program. I downloaded the Couch to 5K app last summer and I did it once. I really am a terrible runner. But I decided to make a good effort this time. I was terrible! But I stuck with it. I did week 1 and week 2. On the third day of week 2, I felt something weird in my knee. The next day, I tripped over the dog in the yard and really twisted my knee. It was swollen, and I was limping. My illustrious career as a runner was over! Just as I was sort of getting into it. Sigh.

• I'm generally not a wimp. I don't usually go to the doctor much, but the week my knee was at its most swollen was the same week I had my physical scheduled for my adoption paperwork. So I went to the doctor, and when she asked if I was having any issues, I told her that I had hurt my knee. She said that I should keep icing it, taking Advil and rest for another week or so. 

• After another week of rest, I was excited to get back into running again. (At this point, I still had images of me spending the summer 10 pounds lighter...) I started the program over again, figuring I had now taken more time off than I had spent running, so what's another 2 weeks? 

• So I did week 1, week 2, and week 3. Kind of, and not on consecutive weeks or anything. In there was Easter, friends visiting us, trips to visit friends, Red Sox games, you know how it is. Somehow over the next 6 weeks, I found 9 days to run. I was impressed.

• One day last month, I was driving home from the park after my run, and I checked my e-mail while driving. (I know. Totally bad and illegal and unsafe. But it's a fun story.) It was a message from my agency saying that they're working with a family and would we like the agency to show our profile to them? 

• Um, yes please. This is the first time anyone's ever looked at our profile besides the social workers and my friends.

• So that was a Wednesday, and the social worker told me that the couple would receive the books on Thursday. She said, "Usually they don't decide at that exact meeting, so if I don't call you on Thursday night, don't panic. Don't think that they didn't pick you if I don't call right away. It doesn't mean that they did pick you, but it doesn't mean they didn't, either." Typical doublespeak from my agency. "We don't know anything. We don't know when we'll call you. We don't even know *IF* we'll call you. We just don't want to commit to anything, lest we're wrong and you're mad about it."

• She didn't call on Thursday, and I didn't panic. She didn't call on Friday, and I didn't panic. I had a fun weekend, not really thinking about it.

• She called on Monday to say that they picked us and we'd been matched! (I know, I'm a stinker to bury this way down in the bottom of a post. Ha ha!)

• So we're matched, we've met them a couple times, I'm frustrated with the agency and with the process and really struggling with a lot of the twists and turns of the relationship we're supposed to have with this family, and I'm not really hearing anything from the agency that makes any sense. 

• The mother is due in about 2 weeks, and then has 15 days to sign the termination of parental rights paperwork. So we really may not know anything for another month or so.

• On the other hand, in another month or so, we might have a BABY!

• It's very surreal, and obviously I've come out of my blog silence to vent about this. So expect some venting at some point soon. 

• Oh, also, I have to get a new car. My mechanic told me that my car will not pass inspection next month, so after 100,000 miles and almost 11 years, I'll have to get a new car. I might have a baby by then, so I think I'm going to try to get the car before she goes into labor. Hopefully on Saturday I will buy a car. 

• Can we even talk about the major cash depletion of paying for an adoption and a new car in the same month? I'm having palpitations just thinking about it. We've been saving for an adoption, a house, and cars for years, but geez, I'm not sure I thought I'd ever pay for 2 of those things in the same month! Now that most of our savings are gone, we have to be all budget-y and cook at home and not go out as much. Which, ultimately, is a wise decision anyway, but I still have the shakes just thinking about it.

• I'm "nesting" but in very funny ways. I'm doing the regular stuff, cleaning the house, trying to get everything set up, thinking about pre-freezing some meals, you know, the regular stuff. But then I'm also getting a new car, I have a hair appointment today, I have to get a pedicure. Because you know, when will I have time to get my hair done after I have a baby? I won't. So I'm getting it done today. 

Did I totally throw you off with my story about running? I think I did that story without a lot of foreshadowing. Except the part where I talked about losing weight. That was my only foreshadowing. I'm quite the trickster! 

What's new with all of you?

Infertility on TV

Did you watch How I Met Your Mother last night? What did you think?

I actually didn't watch it when it was on, but I saw a lot of people in my Facebook feed talking about how funny shows shouldn't make people cry and people were feeling sad. So this morning, knowing what it was about (kind of) I decided to watch it on CBS.com.

I have to say, I was kind of annoyed at all my well-meaning friends for the first 20 minutes of the show. (On CBS.com, it's only a 21 minute show!) It was a funny episode, I thought. Dark, of course, which is really the only kind of humor around when having invasive tests at the RE's office. As we all know.

Then the last few minutes were kind of a gut-punching twist that I wasn't expecting. Took me right back to 2005, it did.

**SPOILER**

Infertility and the death of a parent... sheesh. That's crappy. But hey, at least they're not actually infertile. It just hasn't happened for them yet. Which, whatever. It was clearly the worst year of my life that began with the death of my mother and ended with an infertility diagnosis. I wouldn't wish that year on an enemy or a stranger. Or even a fictional TV character.

But it wouldn't be bad to see a TV character actually be infertile and continue to live their lives. Come on TV, show us what it's really like. I'm sure that whatever show tried to actually document infertility would get terrible ratings.

On the other hand...

You know what show on TV that I have always thought deals with infertility in a sensitive and almost realistic way? King of the Hill. Seriously.

I don't know how many people watch King of the Hill anymore. It's on Cartoon Network and Fox reruns late at night. But the thing I love about the infertility story line is that it comes up sometimes. Hank and Peggy had trouble conceiving Bobby, and now he's 12 or 13. They would have liked to have had more children, but they never did. But 13 years later, it still kind of bugs them.

Sometimes. Not always, and since their son is 13, they've kind of moved on. But every once in a while, they'll talk about wishing they could have had other children, or that they would like to try to have another baby. (This is where the realism comes in...) But of course, Peggy never gets pregnant again. And the best part is that they just live their lives. They have this sadness around this one part of their lives, something they always wish could have been different.

And just like in real life, they always wish their lives had been different, but they weren't. This is their life, and they continue to live it. I'm sure if the show had been focused when Bobby was 2 or 3 and Hank and Peggy were TTC again, infertility would have taken over a lot more space on the show. But since he's in middle school, they're dealing with middle school, and "Boy, I wish we had been able to have more children..." comes up once in a while.

The thing that I always wondered about King of the Hill and infertility is because it's so sensitive and realistic, I wondered which writer had that personal experience. Because seriously, who's going to imagine that that's how it feels? Clearly writers can't, otherwise How I Met Your Mother would have ended differently. Or Charlotte never would have (finally) gotten pregnant (with one *of her own*) after adopting from China in Sex and the City. Or any of the other contrived infertility tropes we see on TV and in movies.

So knowing that someone who worked for King of the Hill had that personal, first-hand experience kind of makes me sad for that person. Because as I said earlier, I wouldn't wish it on an enemy or a stranger. Or a fictional TV character. Or, apparently, the writers of said fictional TV characters.

Have you seen infertility portrayed in new and interesting ways on TV lately?

2011???

How about that! I can't believe it's January again.

This week feels weird. Usually we go away during the week of Christmas and we're home by New Year's. Everyone else is already ready to start resolutions and being serious and everything and I'm not even feeling like it's January yet.

Last week before we went away, I only cleaned up slightly, so I came home last night to a fully-Christmas, post-blizzard house. Not only am I mentally unready for January, my house is physically unready.

I don't even have a 2011 calendar yet! I always make one on iPhoto from last year's pictures of our vacation, or other fun events throughout the year. Yet another thing I'll have to try to do this week.

I need to work on getting myself back into my regular routines (or even consider adding some new ones, like exercising or eating vegetables...) though I'm going away again next week. I'm going to visit a friend next week, so I have postponed any thought of a New Year's resolution. Not that I've ever really been much of a resolution person. And if I were, mine always came in September at the beginning of school, like, "I'm going to really do all my homework this year..." or as a teacher, "I'm going to plan my lessons WAY in advance instead of 15 minutes before the students arrive..."

If I were to make resolutions, they'd be the standards - eat less, exercise more. I've done fairly well with my birthday resolution of giving up soda. I'm proud of myself. I had kind of a blip right around Thanksgiving, and stopped again. Though I had soda this week while traveling in PA. I don't really anticipate any withdrawal from it now though. When I had soda, it was something to drink and not something I was really craving. So we'll see. I'm feeling good about that resolution. The others - eat less, exercise more, well, not so much. I'll get there. Lately I've been thinking about eating more vegetables, which I consider a good first step.

So I started this post early this morning and now it's afternoon and I *STILL* haven't done anything productive today. I ought to throw in some laundry, go to the grocery store and clean something in my house.

Guess I should go be productive...

Busy busy!

Does decorating for Christmas turn anyone else into a cleaning machine?

This weekend was crazy. It was the kind of weekend that made me glad for Monday so I could finally get some quiet! On Friday night, Mister and I went out for sushi (yum, sushi) and scheduled our whole weekend plans.

We woke up early on Saturday, planning to clean the house, buy our Christmas tree, decorate the house, decorate the tree and run various other errands. I started with cleaning because I couldn't stand the thought of bringing a tree into a messy house.

The worst part of cleaning and decorating for me is that it becomes a never-ending spiral. We decided to put the tree in the living room, which required moving some of the furniture. No one on here knows me in real life, so I can admit this in relative anonymity. I hadn't moved the furniture for a few months. There was a lot of gross stuff behind those couches! Of course, I can't vacuum behind and underneath one piece of furniture and not the others, so we moved pretty much everything out of the living room so I could clean it. Phew. That was long. Then I realized that I couldn't clean the living room without cleaning the kitchen and dining room either. So my quick cleaning before I move the tree in actually became a long cleaning and it took several more hours than I thought. Then we went out, did some errands, and bought a Christmas tree. By then it was after dark! We hung up some of the outside lights, had some hot chocolate and called it a night.

Yesterday we did some more cleaning and organizing, more errands, grocery shopping, decorated the tree and I baked some brownies.

I have to say, since I stopped working, I rarely have weekends with that much activity. Our weekends used to be that busy, but lately I spread out our errands across the days.

Today, Mister went to work and he's going out with a friend after work tonight. I hope he doesn't wake me up when he comes in, but he will be home very late. It's about 25 degrees and he and his friend have gone to the Jets game up in MA. I have to say, I'm not jealous of him at all. I don't like football and I can't stand being cold. I'm glad his friend invited him so that he gets to go out and do these kinds of things. I have no interest at all, but I hate to see him wanting to do things that I won't do. So I'm glad he has a chance to go with a friend. But man, I am not jealous of that experience!

Tomorrow night is the local adoption meeting, Wednesday I'm interviewing a pediatrician for our baby (hee hee, our baby! I love it) for whenever we're matched, so hopefully on Thursday I'll be able to submit our final bit of paperwork to the agency and we'll be really waiting.

Thanks for all the feedback on my last post. I still haven't decided what I'm going to do about the drug test. If I ever get around to doing it, they'll probably think I took so long while I waited for all the illegal drugs to leave my system. Ah, the irony. Really, my issue with it is the abuse of power. I just bristle at the thought of quietly submitting to an abuse of power. And the fact that the process to become a substitute teacher in this town is more stringent than to become an adoptive parent, that just seems so strange. If CT required drug tests for everything, fine, whatever. It's still an abuse of power, but if it's state-wide, then I wouldn't be able to avoid it. However, none of the other towns around here requires a drug test, so if I want, maybe I'll just sub in one of the non-power-abusing towns. We shall see.

And now for something completely random... We have those candles in our windows for Christmas, so the shades are only down about 2/3 of the way. As I've been sitting here typing this, I'm looking out the window. My neighbors across the street have come home since I've been watching. This house has a mom and a teenage daughter. Both of them are home. It's completely dark outside now, but the house across the street has no lights on. Maybe it's an early bed night at their house too...

And how bad is it that Mister goes out for a night and my most exciting plan is that it's an early bed night?

Updates All Around

1) Book club was weird. I was the only one who came. Well, me and the guy who set the whole thing up. So we chatted and hung out, talking about the book, life, other books, movies, TV, whatever. It was awkward, as it always is to meet somebody new. It felt kind of like a first date. Which seriously, I've been married for over 7 years. Before we got married, we dated for 6 years. Folks, I haven't been on a date with a new person since 1997. So I went on a book club date last night. It was weird. But I guess I'd go back next month, so that's good.

2) Our profile books were delivered to the agency yesterday. Now we're just waiting for our social worker to send the final copy of the home study, and that's completely out of our control, so we've done what we can do.

3) Out of the blue this morning, I got an e-mail from the personnel director in the town where I interviewed for the kindergarten job last summer. When I spoke with the principal in August, she recommended that I sign up to substitute, which I did, but no one ever called. But today, she did. She's going to send out the paperwork to me today, so maybe within the next few weeks, I'll be working again.

So that's what's new around here.

Social Stuff

Thanks for all the support on my Christmas wish! I just hope it comes true.

I have a quick adoption update and 2 social quandaries to discuss.

Adoption Update - I got an e-mail today from someone at the agency who said that our fingerprints have been received at the agency and that's one more thing we're no longer waiting for. Also, the profile books are scheduled to be delivered to the agency tomorrow. Now they're waiting for the final copy of our home study and a big old check from us. I guess I'll send the check tomorrow. And then, holy moly, I think we're officially waiting. Who knows how long we'll be waiting, but waiting is better than being almost ready to be waiting, no?

Weird Social Situation #1 - This is not a quandary as much as it is just weird, but here it is. I signed up to go to a book club that meets tomorrow night. I'm scared to death. I read the book, and I liked it, but I'm nervous to talk about it. But you know, we moved down here almost 4 years ago, and I have no friends here. I worked with a bunch of great people at my school 2 years ago, but I don't really see them or talk to them that much anymore. They're all busy working in the pressure cooker that is elementary school. I was great friends with them when I worked there, because we were all there 10-12 hours a day and they were really cool people. But now, they're at work 10-12 hours a day, and I'm home. So I figure it can't hurt to do something new that may expand my social circle. But I'm scared to death. But you know that saying? "Do one thing every day that scares you." Well, I know what mine is for tomorrow! Gulp. Mister keeps telling me that the worst thing that could happen is that I go and it's terrible. Then I won't go back next month. And who cares? It's just about trying something new and maybe meeting some new people. So that's my first weird social situation of the night.

Weird Social Situation #2 - This week on Facebook, I reconnected with someone that I haven't seen in probably 9 years. We used to work together, and I left that job 9 years ago, and I really don't think I've seen her since. As with probably any 9 year segment of anybody's life, a lot can happen in 9 years. 9 years ago, I was engaged, I was in grad school, I had a job, we lived in Massachusetts, we hadn't gone through any IF stuff, we definitely weren't home study ready for adoption (woo hoo! I just have to keep throwing that out there because it's so exciting...) So of course, she wrote on my wall tonight, "How are you? What are you up to now?"

I feel like I could go several ways with this. I'm generally a positive, happy person. I'm not a complainer. And most importantly, *NO ONE* in our lives (except for 2 very close friends and one brother) knows about our adoption plans. We are not "out" at all about our IF and adoption stuff. Obviously, we tell people that we don't have kids, but we tend to shut down the conversation there. I'm just not a sharer (funny to think of the cognitive dissonance that allows my non-sharing personality to write a blog.)

But in the last 9 years, I've gone through a lot of crap. A lot of great stuff, too, but it feels like the great stuff is less significant stuff. Except being married. That remains the most incredible thing I've ever done, and Mister remains the most incredible person I know.

So since I last talked to this lady, I finished grad school, got married, got the greatest dog, went through IF crap, moved to Connecticut, got a great job, lost a great job, still have no kids, took some awesome trips, and a bunch of other stuff.

But it's weird because I don't even really know how honest or open I want to be with her anyway. I haven't seen her in 9 years. And I liked her, I liked working with her; she was a lot of fun. But I haven't seen her or talked to her in 9 years. So beyond the "Oh, we're great, live in CT now, keeping busy" filler, maybe it won't even go further. If I ran into her in the mall somehow, that's probably all I'd give her. But because it's Facebook and it's the same space I share with some deep friendships and family, I'm tempted to be open and honest and tell her that it's been 9 years with ups and downs. I don't know. Facebook is weird, man.

How honest would you be with her if you were me?

Blah

I'm feeling very blah this week. If that's even a word. I need a new project, because I don't really feel like doing much of anything.

It feels so weird, because I worked so hard on our profile books for so very long, and now I kind of don't know what to do with myself since I've finished.

But here's a quick list of what's happening.

1) I ordered the profile books to send to our agency. If, in a few months, we decide to switch to a larger agency, we may have to redo and reorder our profile books. I figure that goes into the "cross that bridge when I get to it" category.

2) Our home study is finished. Our social worker finished writing it and sent me a draft copy. I know that I'm not alone in this, as I've read on other blogs and adoption message boards and whatnot. Our home study was full of mistakes. Not so many factual things that she got wrong, but more spelling and punctuation and grammar stuff. That aggravated me. It's just sloppy, and someone with a master's degree should have been held to higher standards in school and in work all along. I shouldn't have to explain to a social worker in her late 20s with a master's degree, that when writing about my brothers, she should call them brothers and not brother's. So I fixed it for her. The whole thing. Because my other option was to allow her to submit a home study with spelling errors. And that seemed stupider than making the errors in the first place. So I fixed them.

3) Otherwise, it's been a quiet week. I got a new food processor for my birthday, and I haven't used it yet. I've been too much in a funk to bake. But today is rainy, so I just may start cooking something. I got a bunch of new cupcake pans, which is good because my other one was so old. I think I got it in 1999 or something. I saw them at Target for 50% off! They're awesome because they come with plastic covers that snap on to the pan. So now I can make cupcakes, put them back into the pan after I frost them, and Mister can put the lid on and take the whole thing to work.

Nothing really exciting. Kind of a blah week, see what I mean? It's a good thing this is not an ICLW week because I would so not be into it! Anyway, sorry that I've fallen behind on my reading and commenting. I'm back now, I think.

Urgency

This weekend, (and today too) the weather was so beautiful in that way that only New England fall days can be. Well, I say that not really having lived anywhere else, except Pennsylvania for 4 years in college. I have to say that I wasn't really attuned to nature in college, so it's possible that fall in Pennsylvania is the same, but I wasn't looking.

I always feel a sense of urgency on days like these. The sun is shining, it's 65 degrees, and I ABSOLUTELY must get outside. I'm not an outside person at all, generally, so it's on these kind of days in the fall that I know something's different.

The root of this urgent need to be outside is the sense of wrapping up; it's the end. Summer is over, it's dark at 6:30 now instead of 8:30. Today I drove with my car window down, just because I still can. On days like this, I walk around feeling like I have to experience the rest of fall RIGHT NOW because it'll be gone soon. So I got up early and I went for a walk on the beach. Because I still can. Because it wasn't cold, it wasn't raining. The leaves are changing color and falling, but some are still green.

Soon the leaves will be gone, the trees will be gray, it will be cold and windy. Soon there will be freezing rain and snow. Not today though. Today I'm wearing short sleeves and playing outside because soon short sleeves and outside will not be available.

Carpe diem. Sunny and 65 will be a thing of the past soon enough, so I'm planning to enjoy it today.

Birthday!

Happy birthday to me!

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm turning 34 this year. Kind of crazy, because I don't usually feel that old. I don't really know what age I "feel." I'm also not sure that I know what any age feels like anyway, so I guess it's moot to even try to figure that out.

So because of my birthday, I've been doing some heavy introspection recently, and I'm determined to make some changes in my life, kind of as a birthday present to myself. What's really weird, though, is that the changes that I want to make in my life as a birthday present, I'm thinking of them as a 35th birthday present. Things I'd like to be in place in my life by the time I'm 35.

When I was a young'un and I sat down to make the beautiful life plan that would be the rest of my life, it went like this... Mister and I would graduate college at 22, get married at 23/24, have our first baby about a year later, keep having some more babies until we had 3-5 babies and we were about 34. Somewhere in there we would buy the perfect Victorian house, drive fabulous cars..... blah, blah, blah.

Here's what happened from that list. Mister and I graduated college at 22. We did eventually get married, of course, but we were 26! So already starting off I was mad because we were about 2 years "late" on the master plan. Then a year later, we started TTC and here we are now.

This is important for my birthday, of course, because from the time that I was 26-29, I told myself that it'd be OK, I could still meet my goals if we could just have one baby by the time I turned 30. Have one baby and buy a house. Any house, I didn't really care.

Well, 30 came, childless and renting. (31, 32, and 33 have also come childless and renting, for that matter, but I'm really in a different place about that now.) I decided that I didn't want to walk around thinking of myself as a failure, so I gave myself a few more years to meet those goals. I said that probably when I was 35, we'd have bought a house and had babies, and definitely by 40.

Of course, here comes 35. In 366 short days, I'll be 35. And part of my heavy introspection is that I'm holding myself to these goals that are not actually goals. I have absolutely no control over when we'll have a baby. Maybe by the time I'm 35, maybe not. Maybe we'll have bought a house by then, but maybe not.

Aside from these 2 unmet non-goals, I have an awesome life. I simply can't justify walking around this awesome life feeling like I've let myself down. Because I haven't let myself down at all. We have (almost) everything we want, we travel, we eat out, we stay out late, we want for nothing. Many people in the world would look at my life and think I'm living a dream life. And in some ways, I definitely am.

So for my 35th birthday, I decided that I needed different goals. I am not going to have the goal that "maybe by next year we'll have a baby and we'll own our own house." Because yeah, maybe we will. But maybe we won't, and that'll be OK too. My focus for my 34th year will be to get my life in order for turning 35. Baby or no baby, house or no house. So for one year, I will do these things that are actually goals. These are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, time-bound goals. Not just "I hope I have a baby by then" goals.

Here are the gifts that I will give myself by the time I'm 35:

1) (Not so much measurable or time-bound, this one is just a SAR goal, I guess.) Goal #1 - Lay off. Really, back off and give myself some slack. I am absolutely not a failure in my life for not having had children. Most people wouldn't look at me and think of me that way, so I'm going to try to stop too. I'm compassionate and have great empathy for others, now it's time to apply some of that to myself.

2) Give up soda. I drink way too much. I'm concerned about the health, environmental, and philosophical impact of all the artificial sweetners, caffeine, plastic bottles, chemicals and even the financial cost of it all. I'm going back to water, wine, beer, and iced tea. Maybe lemonade sometimes too, if I feel like it. But as much as I love soda, I think it's doing me more harm than good. I may definitely need the entire year for this goal, but that's all right. I'll get there. I'm not buying any soda after my 34th birthday. I'll still drink whatever is already in the house, but I will not supply myself with anymore soda after October 28.

3) Exercising at least 3 times a week. A few weeks ago, I walked 5 miles every day, which is drastic, I know. I went from 0 miles a day to 5, and I think that it would be an unrealistic, unattainable goal to say that I'll walk 5 miles a day 5x a week. So I'm going to leave it a little more attainable and realistic and say that I will do some form of exercise at least 3 times a week for the next year.

4) Read at least 1 book a month. I love to read, but TV and the internet compete better for my attention. I'm embarrassed to think that if someone asked me, "What have you read recently?" it would become another famous gotcha. "What have you read recently?" isn't a trick question, as we've all heard, and if people in public life will be the object of scorn and ridicule for not reading, then I'd better hold myself to at least that lowest bar of conversation. Because seriously, if I went on a job interview and the principal asked me that, I'd stutter and freeze on that one. Unless Martha Stewart's Cupcakes cookbook counts, which I kind of don't think it does.

That's it. 4 short goals. I'm starting them on my 34th birthday hoping they'll be habits by the time I'm 35. Cut myself some slack, give up soda, exercise and read. I think I can do it. It's my own personal New Year, so why not throw some resolutions in there. And, of course, if sometime along the path of being 34 years old, I happen to have a baby or buy a house, I'm open to those as well.

However, the best news of all is that having just read Martha Stewart's Cupcakes cookbook, I have some awesome ideas for what birthday cake I should have...

Dog walking and grief

OMG. It is so cold here today. The weather display on my computer says 60 and there's a thermometer at one of the banks in town. It said 62. I am feeling a little outrageous today and therefore will flat-out call both my computer and the bank liars. LIARS! There is no way it is 60 or 62. My hands feel like ice.

I took the dog for a walk down at the beach, and despite freezing our butts off, it was a really nice time. She was full of energy, rolling in the sand, digging for shellfish (yes, it's true - she's a freak.) and she even went in the water. She typically hates the water, but for whatever reason today she actually had all 4 paws in.

This is a weird mental digression that I'm about to take, but it's rattling around in my mind, so I'm going to try to put it into words. Please don't think I'm too insane or weird on this one.

As many of you probably know, my mom died 5 years ago. While I would say that most days, I don't feel like I'm actively still grieving, every once in a while something will bring it up and here I am again. One thing I can say for sure is that losing my mom fundamentally, to the core, changed who I am. As it would anyone, I'm sure.

One of the ways that I feel changed plays out most dramatically in my relationship with my Zoe dog. We got her about a month after my mom died, so we've had her for just more than 5 years. She's now 6 years old. Beagles are supposed to live 12-15 years, they say. So Zoe is about middle-aged, I guess.

Because she's my dog and we've had her for almost her whole life, I really know her. I see her slowing down. She's not a puppy anymore. The vet says she's not getting old, she's 6 and in the middle of her life and I shouldn't see slowing down and that I probably don't really see it. My aunt, who has had many beagles says that 6 is the middle of her life, she's not slowing down, beagles can live for 15 years. Zoe must not be slowing down.

But here's the thing. She's my dog. I see her. I know her. She's slowing down. And maybe when I say that she's slowing down, this is where other people mean something else. Here's what I mean. I mean that if I took her down to that beach every single day in a week, maybe once or twice would she play like she did today. If I had taken her down to that beach when she was 2 or 3, she would play like that every time.

So when I take her to the beach and she wants to pull me off the path because she wants to go in the water and dig in the sand and eat clams (well that part is not OK with me) it stands out to me. It's a rare occasion that she wants to do that. So I let her, obviously.

The good way that I am changed from my mom's death is that I am acutely aware of the passage of time. I recognize that these fun times at the beach are fewer and further between than they used to be. But that makes me more present in those times when we're in one of those rare times that a walk is more than a regular walk. I'm really there with her and enjoying myself (except when she starts eating the clams. That's just weird.)

But the bad way that I am changed is this. "She's middle-aged. Beagles are supposed to live until they're 12-15 years." True. But mothers are supposed to live until they're 80-100. "Zoe's in the middle of her life. She's not slowing down." My mother was in the middle of her life, too. We have no guarantee of tomorrow, none of us. Not my mom, not me, not you, not my dog.

I try to take the good out of that and say that since we've no guarantee of tomorrow, if the dog wants to go on the beach and roll in the sand, then we absolutely have time to do that today.

I hate to think I'm grieving bad things before they've happened. That's the other side of that bittersweet feeling that comes with a dog randomly getting the energy to roll in the sand. I can't notice only that she's doing something she wouldn't do 6 of the 7 days this week. How can you think of the one time something happens without acknowledging the 6 times this week it hasn't happened? I'm happy that she had fun today. But also very aware that the last 6 times we've been at the beach, she hasn't wanted to roll in the sand.

I just reread this and I think I'm insane. So to pay you off for sticking around until the end of this post, I give you a picture of my beloved Zoe. Because if she wanted to roll in the sand and play in the water, I dare you to say no to her. Go ahead, try.

Yeah, I can't either. I can say no to her eating clams though. That's still just weird. And gross.

My Fun Weekend

Remember how I told you yesterday that I had an awesome weekend? Well it was so great! First, look who I met!

True, not the greatest picture. But hey, who cares? It's Duff! He even shook my hand. (Too bad I didn't get a picture of that moment!) This weekend was the NYC Wine and Food Festival, and they do all these different events, parties and cooking demonstrations. This was from the dessert event called Sweet. Oh my gosh, there were so many people there! It was in this huge event space that was the most sprawling thing ever. There were probably 5 or 6 huge rooms full of people and tables. Each table was a different baker or restaurant. And most importantly, at each table were samples of each baker's or restaurant's best dessert. I ate so many cupcakes, brownies, cookies, pie, chocolate mousse, gelato, you name it. After you sampled, you got to vote on which one was your favorite, and then the winning bakery or restaurant got a prize. The Clinton Street Bakery were the winners for an incredible upside down pear tart. Oh, it was wonderful! It was a lot of fun. And Mister and I got all dressed up and spent the evening in the city, which I always love to do.

Sunday was our day of lawn care. Mister cut the grass, and I took down my garden. I've never had a garden before this year, and it wasn't particularly successful, so I haven't decided if I'll do it again next year or not. But we took out the tomato cages, weeded everything (except the front walk) and raked a little bit. We went to Home Depot and bought some mums for the front of the house so we could be fall-ish and decorative. We grabbed some pumpkins and set up a little fall display.

Also, we had an interesting mum experience at Home Depot. As you can see, those are really large pots of mums. They were on the shelf, and we had one of those flatbed carts. I picked up one pot and Mister picked up the other. We left the mums on the cart for a few minutes and went out to the front of the store to look at the pumpkins. While we were out there, my face started to feel really itchy. I asked Mister if my forehead was red. He said that it was, but really my whole face was red. Then a minute later, I noticed that he was scratching too. "Is my neck red?" he asked. Uh oh. It was a really long itchy ride home from Home Depot! We didn't suspect the mums right away though. While we were inside the store, we saw some of the bulbs for gardens for next year. I picked up the hyacinth bulbs and I was looking at the package. I noticed a warning that said, "Hyacinth bulbs have been known to cause skin irritation in some people. Please wear gloves when handling them." So naturally, when I got itchy 10 minutes later, I blamed the hyacinth bulbs. I didn't think it was the mums until we got home. By then, we had both stopped itching and then we unloaded the mums from the car. By the time we got inside, both of our necks and faces were itchy again. I really like those mums. I think they're very pretty. But when it's time to clean them up, I say, "NOT IT!!" Or maybe I'll wear a hat and a scarf and a ski mask or something!

Aaargh!!

OK, let me tell you about my day so far.

First, I had to do some laundry or I couldn't get dressed. So I started off doing laundry so that I could get dressed and get moving on my day.

Once I got dressed, I had to go to the grocery store, which I usually do on Mondays, so it's kind of my regular schedule. We always go to this grocery store that is kind of far away. It's way better, and a lot of stuff is cheaper. It's kind of like a farm stand type of grocery store, but they pretty much have most things we need. But it's about 20 minutes away and we definitely pass about 5 perfectly reasonable grocery stores on the way. Now this is like the Disneyworld of grocery stores - they have characters in costumes, animatronic robots who sing songs for the kids, and whatnot. It's kind of weird. So dummy here forgot that it's not a school day. Now they have all these special kid activities going on, a hayride, a pumpkin carver, a magician, and a band. It took a while to get through the store, but I highly prefer this store, so I don't really complain that it takes long. I know it takes long, and that's part of the deal with going to the better store, I get that.

So I got home from the grocery store and I had to bake. Mister had asked me last week if I would bake something today for his class tomorrow. He's leading his small group discussion and thought it would be friendlier if his leadership offered baked goods. I agreed, so I said I'd make some brownies today.

But first, I've been really craving chocolate chip cookies, so I thought that I'd bake both. It's not really hard to bake either, so certainly I could bake both. Fine, great, an afternoon of baking. I put the dog outside on her tie-out so she can enjoy the nice weather and I started to collect my supplies. Then, uh-oh.... I won't have enough chocolate chips to make a batch of cookies. (This is when I'm really grateful that on the way to the good store we pass about 5 other stores...) So I realize I have to get to the store so I can finish my cookies.

Off I go! This is how it goes to this store. It's pretty close, 4 or 5 minutes to drive there. But then parking fiasco! 10 minutes to park! Then another 10 minutes to shop and pay! Then walk back to the car and another 10 minutes to get out of the parking lot! Then another 4 or 5 minutes to drive home. I needed chocolate chips and it takes 45 minutes. :( Oh well, I say. That's again, part of the deal. If you live in a big town, that's how these things go.

I got home, get my chocolate chips and go inside. I made the cookies, and I'm all set to start making brownies. Then, uh-oh... I don't have enough cocoa to make the brownies. So I realize I have to get to the store so I can finish my brownies....

Actually, this was where I told Mister that I was about to lose my mind and would not be making a 3rd trip to the store on the same day. He agreed and offered to pick some cocoa up for me on his way home if I would make the brownies tonight after dinner. So now I'm relaxing before I start dinner. What a crazy day!

Mister and I had a super fun weekend, which will require a separate post because it was just that awesome. I think I'll make that post tomorrow.

D'oh!

I completely forgot about ICLW. I forgot to sign up and now it's too late. But maybe that's OK - I'll do free form ICLW and post and comment when I can. Feel free to leave comments (or not) if you like.

We are moving along right along with all the adoption stuff. Mister went to the doctor for his physical, and we are so close to being finished with the profile book. We're still working on the closing few paragraphs and then that's it. I can't believe we're really this close. (Of course, this is before I have to wait up to 3 years or whatever. I'm sure after years of waiting being "this close" will seem funny.)

This weekend, Mister and I are going to my aunt and uncle's 25th wedding anniversary party. My uncle is my mom's youngest brother, and he was a very young uncle. He is 13 years older than my older brother, and 16 years older than I. When we were very little, we had a teenage uncle! Kind of funny. (It's not really that funny, I suppose. My uncle was born when my mom was 12, and so my mom was 25 when my brother was born and 28 when she had me. Not that unusual at all, really.)

At any rate, we're going to my uncle's party. My mom wasn't really close to her family, so we didn't really see them all that much, and I'm not sure I've seen them since my mom's funeral.

None of my brothers are going; they all have other things they're doing. So it's just me and Mister and my dad. I still feel weird about going though. Just because I haven't seen them in so long. And because I haven't seen them in a long time, I really hope this party won't turn into a "when are you going to have kids?" spectacular. Because while I can write my little paragraph up there about how much progress we've made on this adoption, we still have no idea when we are going to have kids. And we're not "out" about this adoption AT ALL (like no one except the people who wrote our reference letters knows) so I won't even tell them how much progress we've made.

But, the good news is that on the way home from my uncle's, we are stopping to see our friends who had a baby recently. I think she's like 7 weeks old or something. So I'm kind of psyched about that. Knowing that I will get some baby cuddles is going to be the carrot on the stick to get me through this (probably very boring) family party.