Together Again

Well, Mister and I are walking together again. Figuratively, of course. Well literally, too, when we are walking. Right now he's sleeping and I'm awake, so we're not really together at this exact moment, but whatev.

The appointment has been made. It's not until the end of September, but I really don't care about that. We have a date, we have a target. This way, whether I get a job or not, regardless of anything else in our lives, I have a deadline and I hope to finish our profile by the time Mister goes to the doctor.

That way, as soon as our social worker gets his medical forms, she can finish our home study and I will have our profile finished. I hope we can have our profile out in the universe by October 1.

And from there, it's not up to us. We'll just do our thing and pray that we are matched with the right people. And then, maybe we'll be parents. How amazing that would be!

I had a moment yesterday, when I started to think of that marriage analogy I said last time, when one person is walking faster than the other, stopping every so often to turn around and say, "Hurry up!" Or the other side of it, when you're walking more slowly than the other person and you have to say, "hold on! Slow down!" Mister and I were walking together, completely together. Holding hands, walking side by side and really just walking together. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, Mister started going really really fast. We were still holding hands, though, and the result was that he pulled me forward. I caught up and we were walking together again.

For whatever reason, that image hits home for me. Our marriage is like that - we're together, completely, in lockstep. And then suddenly we're not, for whatever reason. We push ahead of the other, wait for the other one, hold hands and pull the other forward. Then, just as suddenly, we're together, completely in lockstep again. The most incredible thing about it for me is that whenever we're together and we're moving in unison, that's an unbeatable team. And there's no better feeling in the world than that.

Bummed

I'm in a tough spot. I'm really sad and upset and hurt. But I don't want to be one of those complaining people who whines and moans and groans about everything and everyone.

We're almost done with our home study. We started the paperwork for our home study in November. It's been just over 9 months. We've done everything we needed to do, except for one thing. Mister hasn't been to the doctor. I went in April (and even then, I felt like it was taking so long... at that point we were at 5 months and it still felt long!) and I kept telling Mister that he has to go to the doctor for a physical. He said, "Yeah, ok..." and we moved onto our regular business. In May, I told Mister he had to go to the doctor. He said, "Yeah, ok...." and we moved on again. At some point in May, I told Mister again that he has to go to the doctor and I asked him if it would help if I made the appointment. He said he'd take care of it. He still hasn't.

I've dropped reminders here and there, I've said in a forthright way that this needs to get done. I've even had crying fits that he needs to get this done. He still hasn't.

It is not lost on me that the last time that Mister went to a doctor was to receive an infertility diagnosis. I believe that his last conversation with a doctor was that there was nothing the doctor could do for us. I understand that there are all sorts of emotions about going to a doctor for an adoption physical when the last doctor you saw was a doctor who said infertility.

I can not, I have not, I will not push him on this. Every step of this adoption has been about 100 times slower than it would have been if I were doing it on my own. I have to let him come to this in his time. I just don't think an adoption is the kind of thing he can do for me. Let me pick a restaurant or a movie or even a vacation spot, fine. Sometimes you let the other person have what they want, even if it's what you don't want. Sometimes you do what you need to do and don't say anything. Sometimes keeping the peace is the most important thing. I don't think that's the way to go for an adoption and parenting. We have to be in the same place at the same time about this.

This whole partnership thing. Man, it's tough sometimes. Sometimes you have to slow down and wait when you don't want to. Sometimes you have to move faster to keep up. But when you're in the same place at the same time walking at the same pace, there is just nothing like it. I'm keeping that in mind.

Even though I want to turn around and say, "HURRY UP!!!!!"

Like everything else in my life though, it takes as long as it takes and we'll be done when we're done. I'm not in a race with anyone and maybe there's some cosmic reason for the delay. Maybe someday it'll all make sense.