Facebook

Dear Facebook,

I hate you. I hate you for several reasons.

1) I hate that I’m not in charge of opening pictures of people with smiling happy babies when I want. I just log into Facebook and then - BAM! - I’m punched in the face with pictures of babies and everyone gushing how cute and adorable and wonderful the parents are for producing such beautiful children. Yuck.

2) I hate that my friends are not my friends anymore. People “check in” and write on my wall and say hi. Not the kind of “hi, how are you?” that actually sounds like they’re interested in how I am. What am I going to do? Really say how I am and write it on my wall? No way. And anyone who’s really my friend would know that I’m not going to say how I really am when I write on my wall. I miss my friends calling and writing e-mails.

3) I hate the news feed that reads like a toddler itinerary of awesomeness. “Went to park, then a birthday party. Had Gymboree class. Home for nap and then we’re hitting the beach!!11!!!!”

4) I don’t care what the best playground/beach/toddler class/babysitter/stroller/carseat is ranked. I don’t care. I don’t care about private school tuition costs (it’s your choice, after all. Miss Fancypants could attend the neighborhood free public school. Just sayin’.) And I don’t care about Sesame Street Live, Disney on Ice, Hannah Montana, or the Wiggles.

5) I hate reading pregnancy announcements. I hate reading a weekly update that you’re one week pregnant-er than you were last week. I can count, thank you. I hate reading how tired you are, how sick you are, how your pants don’t fit, how much you miss drinking wine and eating hot dogs. Whatever. I’d kill to have those problems.

When I’ve had annoying friends on Facebook before, I’ve hidden them. One guy is a friend from college, whom I don’t really remember from college. I kind of remember him. He’s kind of annoying as a Facebooker though; every day, he posts a ”Good morning everyone!” message, often including some crap about “bright sunny day” or something. Fine, I have a Mister Rogers type on my feed. I hid him quickly. Oh, he also posts a “good night everyone!” message before he leaves the office for the night. Seriously, I’m too crabby for people like that.

Anyway, my problem with parents on Facebook is that most people are parents. I can’t really hide people who talk about their kids. I hide them by hiding myself. Though now I’m completely alienated from most of my friends. So that’s not really a great solution either. Sigh. And that is why Facebook sucks.