A Little Bit of Everything

Still no baby. Maybe over the weekend?

Next up... ghosts. I don't really believe in ghosts, especially not the "Casper in a white sheet going to haunt you" kind. Because really, that's bizarre. And what's the point? I watch Ghost Adventures a lot and kind of laugh at them hunting ghosts. Going into hospitals and jails and mental institutions in the hopes of finding unsettled spirits. It's silly and it's fun, but I don't really believe it.

On the other hand, I believe in ghosts in dreams, and I'm not even sure ghosts is the right word to use for this concept, of the people with whom you have a deep spiritual connection. The part I'm unsure about is how it happens and why it happens. The part I'm very sure about is that no one talks about it and if I said my theory on ghosts out loud, to the people in my real life, I think they'd laugh at me. (You can laugh at me too, if I sound ridiculous, but just don't make fun of me in the comments please.)

But here goes...

I lost my mother 6 years ago. But we had that very deep, very close mother-daughter connection. My mother is frequently in my dreams. Sometimes it's fun, and it feels like we're hanging out like we always did. Sometimes I'm aware (or almost aware) that it's a dream, that it feels weird to be in a dream situation and say to someone, "Let's ask Mom" and Mom is there to answer. During those times, when I'm aware that Mom isn't really around to answer the mundane questions anymore, I can go one of two ways. Either I'm aware on some level that it's just a dream, but I'm enjoying having my mother back, so I keep dreaming. The other option is that I get a little desperate and try to change the moment because I feel like I have to catch up with her on all the things in my life. I have so much I wish I could tell her.

Sometimes, (and this is the part that I think people would laugh at me if they knew) my mom is in my dreams in an advisory capacity. Seriously. Ever since she died, whenever it's been something really hard or big or painful or scary or significant in my life, in my dreams, my mom has weighed in. She has sometimes told me not to worry, sometimes she does something or shows me something that makes me realize the way things will work out.

Now on some level, I'm going with the fact that we had a deep bond. They say that when someone dies, they're always in your heart. Probably my dreams of my mom are the part of my heart that carries her around. Probably when I'm stressed out and missing my mom and wondering what I should do about something, rather than actually hearing from her, I know what she would have said. Probably.

However, since we've been matched, I haven't heard from my mom. AT ALL. No ghost dream, no dream about baby, nothing. Not even a flash of her. I'm a little bit freaking out, because where could she be? I've always dreamed her when I've needed her, and for the last 2 months, I really thought I've needed her. This is the first time in 6 years that I've wanted her and needed her and she's been silent. So all this time, I've been stressed that maybe this match is doomed to fail. Because she's never been silent on something when I really need her advice. I've never gone 2 whole months without dreaming of her. But where could she be?

I also kind of believe in signs and things from God, the universe, whatever. Sometimes things just seem too right to be a coincidence. 

Yesterday for the first time, I think I heard from my mom about this adoption. I think it's going to be OK and I think my mom told me. (And I know that I sound crazy saying it.) Yesterday was kind of a weird day, (actually, all my days are weird these days) and I went to my regular grocery store. They didn't have what I wanted, I was feeling kind of aimless, so I went to the faraway store. The one with the animated characters that sing songs and do shows. Just as I pulled into the parking lot at the faraway store, my cell phone rang. It was our social worker calling with an update. Basically a "no new news" update, but I'm just happy she called!

After we got off the phone, I started to whirl around in my mind all the possibilities of what may happen in the next few days. I had that knot in the pit of my stomach. These parents may not sign TPR. I started to feel stressed. Suddenly, some of the animated characters in the store were doing a show. They were singing my favorite song as a little kid that my mom used to sing to me all the time. As I got older, she still always used to sing it to me. One year for Christmas, I downloaded as many versions of the song as I could find. I made her an entire CD of this one song, like 20 different versions. It was a meaningful song for us, and not one you hear all the time. Not one I've ever heard played at this store. 

Of course, I heard the song, felt like it was from my mom and broke down in the dairy department. Sigh. But the better news is that it felt like a hug from my mom. Reassurance and an "it'll be OK," which is exactly what I need.

Am I seeing things that are not there? Probably. I just liked the idea of finally hearing from her. That and I miss her hugs, so I have to take them as they come these days, even if it's from an animated robot singing a favorite song in the dairy department. 

Drama, drama, drama

First things first, no baby yet. The doctor says they'll induce her sometime next week if the baby doesn't come over the weekend.

Second. We've just had drama, drama, drama over this whole adoption. It drives me crazy. I'm such an anti-drama person. I don't attract drama people, I don't like to be around them. I just want a quiet, peaceful life.

It's been a whole lot of "will she or won't she?" crap, from the social workers, to the expectant parents themselves. I sort of want to distance myself from it completely and say that if there's nothing we can do until the baby's born, call me when the baby is born.

It sounds cruel and insensitive for me to say, and please don't think that I don't have empathy or compassion for these expectant parents and the choices they have to make in the next few weeks. My heart is broken for them. And I cannot imagine the way they must be feeling right now. So broken and hurting and awful. I get that.

What gets me is the way the social workers don't seem to know how to respond to her. Yet these are social workers! Who specialize in adoption! They ought to know.

I guess I expected social workers to be more realistic and factual with her. Like, "Let's all acknowledge why you're even considering placing a child for adoption. You live in squalor, you have no education, you have no money..." etc. And obviously, no social worker would phrase it like that. (That's why they're social workers and I just stay quiet!)

But it bugs me that she seems to be in fantasyland and the social worker allows that to continue. Rather than explain to her that open adoption does not mean that you get to name the child, take the child for overnight visitations, babysit for us, have monthly visits, weekly phone calls, take summer vacations with us, and whatever else, the social worker instead proposes these as demands that we ought to consider meeting. And that if we're not willing to consider these things, maybe we should re-evaulate the level of "openness" that we will accept. Huh? What? She's asking for the moon and the stars and we're not "open" because we don't have the moon and stars to give? Come on.

I hope this adoption happens. I hope that this whole thing works out for all of us. I hope that if it doesn't happen, that my life will go on relatively normally. I recognize that it will hurt, that I will be sad, and that I'll hate the way it plays out.

I hope I'm tough enough to meet a baby within the next week that may not be ours. I hope that if he's not ours that the situation these parents are in will change drastically. They are in no position to care for a baby. I just wish I could turn the calendar to August already and know how it's going to end! The next month or so is going to be really hard and painful no matter what the result.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part...

I know I've posted about waiting before, and I wasn't fond of it then either. It feels like each new stage of waiting gets harder!

Now we're waiting for the baby to be born. Then we'll have to wait to see if the parents will sign the termination of parental rights.

Then we'll know.

She's due any day now. The baby could come at any moment between now and the next 2 weeks. It absolutely boggles my mind.

In some ways, I'm trying to just live my regular life. If I sat around waiting for the phone to ring, it would be a long and boring 2 weeks. On the other hand, I start to think things like, (True story!) "If I do laundry on the day when I have *absolutely* no clean clothes left, what if she goes into labor while I'm in my sweats and all  my clothes are in the wash?" She could go into labor at any time. While I'm doing laundry, while I'm in the shower, while I'm sleeping, while I'm at the store, at any time.

(The day that I had all my clothes in the wash at once, I asked Mister, "What if she goes into labor right now while everything is wet? I'm in pajamas!" Mister, always wise, said, "You'd wear your pajamas straight to the mall where you'd buy an outfit that you could wear to the hospital! And then we'd go!" This is why I love him.)

So while I'm trying to just live my regular life, I also don't want to start anything that's so involved I couldn't just walk away from it. You know, like all my pants in the laundry at once!

In their state, the parents have 15 days to sign TPR. I'm deliriously excited for day 16, if it happens. I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground and not get too excited until then though. This whole thing is all moot if they choose to parent this baby, which, of course, is a possibility. I'm trying very hard to be realistic about all the options. I just don't want to fall in love with a baby who never gets to be ours.

On the other hand, how do you go to the hospital and watch a baby being born and not fall in love? I just don't want to lose my heart to this baby and then have to say goodbye in 2 weeks. So I'm trying to be a little guarded, recognizing that this baby may not be ours.

Some baby will be ours, someday. I kind of hope it's this baby in a few weeks, but life isn't always the way I hope.

In the meantime, I think I'm going to clean my house and get ready. Just in case I have to go to the hospital soon...

Has anyone been in the delivery room as an adoptive parent? Anyone know what I can expect?

Breaking the Silence...

Hey bloggie friends.

It's been a while. I'll tell you all my news.

• Last time I wrote, my cousin's wife was having a baby shower and my SIL and I didn't want to go. When I found out that my SIL was out of town, I made Mister plan a vacation to the Caribbean. I couldn't lie to my aunt and say that I was out of town if I wasn't. 

• So I was able to RSVP to my aunt and say "thanks for thinking of me, I'd love to come, but I'll be in the islands where it's sunny and 80 degrees." And I'm such a lucky girl that we could actually plan a getaway in about 10 days' time. It was one of the most remarkable vacations ever. Like a second honeymoon. The kind of trip that if you never have another trip like it, you can say it's OK because you have the memories of it forever. It was that good. 

• Then we got home and I decided that I would start a serious exercise program. I downloaded the Couch to 5K app last summer and I did it once. I really am a terrible runner. But I decided to make a good effort this time. I was terrible! But I stuck with it. I did week 1 and week 2. On the third day of week 2, I felt something weird in my knee. The next day, I tripped over the dog in the yard and really twisted my knee. It was swollen, and I was limping. My illustrious career as a runner was over! Just as I was sort of getting into it. Sigh.

• I'm generally not a wimp. I don't usually go to the doctor much, but the week my knee was at its most swollen was the same week I had my physical scheduled for my adoption paperwork. So I went to the doctor, and when she asked if I was having any issues, I told her that I had hurt my knee. She said that I should keep icing it, taking Advil and rest for another week or so. 

• After another week of rest, I was excited to get back into running again. (At this point, I still had images of me spending the summer 10 pounds lighter...) I started the program over again, figuring I had now taken more time off than I had spent running, so what's another 2 weeks? 

• So I did week 1, week 2, and week 3. Kind of, and not on consecutive weeks or anything. In there was Easter, friends visiting us, trips to visit friends, Red Sox games, you know how it is. Somehow over the next 6 weeks, I found 9 days to run. I was impressed.

• One day last month, I was driving home from the park after my run, and I checked my e-mail while driving. (I know. Totally bad and illegal and unsafe. But it's a fun story.) It was a message from my agency saying that they're working with a family and would we like the agency to show our profile to them? 

• Um, yes please. This is the first time anyone's ever looked at our profile besides the social workers and my friends.

• So that was a Wednesday, and the social worker told me that the couple would receive the books on Thursday. She said, "Usually they don't decide at that exact meeting, so if I don't call you on Thursday night, don't panic. Don't think that they didn't pick you if I don't call right away. It doesn't mean that they did pick you, but it doesn't mean they didn't, either." Typical doublespeak from my agency. "We don't know anything. We don't know when we'll call you. We don't even know *IF* we'll call you. We just don't want to commit to anything, lest we're wrong and you're mad about it."

• She didn't call on Thursday, and I didn't panic. She didn't call on Friday, and I didn't panic. I had a fun weekend, not really thinking about it.

• She called on Monday to say that they picked us and we'd been matched! (I know, I'm a stinker to bury this way down in the bottom of a post. Ha ha!)

• So we're matched, we've met them a couple times, I'm frustrated with the agency and with the process and really struggling with a lot of the twists and turns of the relationship we're supposed to have with this family, and I'm not really hearing anything from the agency that makes any sense. 

• The mother is due in about 2 weeks, and then has 15 days to sign the termination of parental rights paperwork. So we really may not know anything for another month or so.

• On the other hand, in another month or so, we might have a BABY!

• It's very surreal, and obviously I've come out of my blog silence to vent about this. So expect some venting at some point soon. 

• Oh, also, I have to get a new car. My mechanic told me that my car will not pass inspection next month, so after 100,000 miles and almost 11 years, I'll have to get a new car. I might have a baby by then, so I think I'm going to try to get the car before she goes into labor. Hopefully on Saturday I will buy a car. 

• Can we even talk about the major cash depletion of paying for an adoption and a new car in the same month? I'm having palpitations just thinking about it. We've been saving for an adoption, a house, and cars for years, but geez, I'm not sure I thought I'd ever pay for 2 of those things in the same month! Now that most of our savings are gone, we have to be all budget-y and cook at home and not go out as much. Which, ultimately, is a wise decision anyway, but I still have the shakes just thinking about it.

• I'm "nesting" but in very funny ways. I'm doing the regular stuff, cleaning the house, trying to get everything set up, thinking about pre-freezing some meals, you know, the regular stuff. But then I'm also getting a new car, I have a hair appointment today, I have to get a pedicure. Because you know, when will I have time to get my hair done after I have a baby? I won't. So I'm getting it done today. 

Did I totally throw you off with my story about running? I think I did that story without a lot of foreshadowing. Except the part where I talked about losing weight. That was my only foreshadowing. I'm quite the trickster! 

What's new with all of you?