Birthday!

Happy birthday to me!

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm turning 34 this year. Kind of crazy, because I don't usually feel that old. I don't really know what age I "feel." I'm also not sure that I know what any age feels like anyway, so I guess it's moot to even try to figure that out.

So because of my birthday, I've been doing some heavy introspection recently, and I'm determined to make some changes in my life, kind of as a birthday present to myself. What's really weird, though, is that the changes that I want to make in my life as a birthday present, I'm thinking of them as a 35th birthday present. Things I'd like to be in place in my life by the time I'm 35.

When I was a young'un and I sat down to make the beautiful life plan that would be the rest of my life, it went like this... Mister and I would graduate college at 22, get married at 23/24, have our first baby about a year later, keep having some more babies until we had 3-5 babies and we were about 34. Somewhere in there we would buy the perfect Victorian house, drive fabulous cars..... blah, blah, blah.

Here's what happened from that list. Mister and I graduated college at 22. We did eventually get married, of course, but we were 26! So already starting off I was mad because we were about 2 years "late" on the master plan. Then a year later, we started TTC and here we are now.

This is important for my birthday, of course, because from the time that I was 26-29, I told myself that it'd be OK, I could still meet my goals if we could just have one baby by the time I turned 30. Have one baby and buy a house. Any house, I didn't really care.

Well, 30 came, childless and renting. (31, 32, and 33 have also come childless and renting, for that matter, but I'm really in a different place about that now.) I decided that I didn't want to walk around thinking of myself as a failure, so I gave myself a few more years to meet those goals. I said that probably when I was 35, we'd have bought a house and had babies, and definitely by 40.

Of course, here comes 35. In 366 short days, I'll be 35. And part of my heavy introspection is that I'm holding myself to these goals that are not actually goals. I have absolutely no control over when we'll have a baby. Maybe by the time I'm 35, maybe not. Maybe we'll have bought a house by then, but maybe not.

Aside from these 2 unmet non-goals, I have an awesome life. I simply can't justify walking around this awesome life feeling like I've let myself down. Because I haven't let myself down at all. We have (almost) everything we want, we travel, we eat out, we stay out late, we want for nothing. Many people in the world would look at my life and think I'm living a dream life. And in some ways, I definitely am.

So for my 35th birthday, I decided that I needed different goals. I am not going to have the goal that "maybe by next year we'll have a baby and we'll own our own house." Because yeah, maybe we will. But maybe we won't, and that'll be OK too. My focus for my 34th year will be to get my life in order for turning 35. Baby or no baby, house or no house. So for one year, I will do these things that are actually goals. These are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, time-bound goals. Not just "I hope I have a baby by then" goals.

Here are the gifts that I will give myself by the time I'm 35:

1) (Not so much measurable or time-bound, this one is just a SAR goal, I guess.) Goal #1 - Lay off. Really, back off and give myself some slack. I am absolutely not a failure in my life for not having had children. Most people wouldn't look at me and think of me that way, so I'm going to try to stop too. I'm compassionate and have great empathy for others, now it's time to apply some of that to myself.

2) Give up soda. I drink way too much. I'm concerned about the health, environmental, and philosophical impact of all the artificial sweetners, caffeine, plastic bottles, chemicals and even the financial cost of it all. I'm going back to water, wine, beer, and iced tea. Maybe lemonade sometimes too, if I feel like it. But as much as I love soda, I think it's doing me more harm than good. I may definitely need the entire year for this goal, but that's all right. I'll get there. I'm not buying any soda after my 34th birthday. I'll still drink whatever is already in the house, but I will not supply myself with anymore soda after October 28.

3) Exercising at least 3 times a week. A few weeks ago, I walked 5 miles every day, which is drastic, I know. I went from 0 miles a day to 5, and I think that it would be an unrealistic, unattainable goal to say that I'll walk 5 miles a day 5x a week. So I'm going to leave it a little more attainable and realistic and say that I will do some form of exercise at least 3 times a week for the next year.

4) Read at least 1 book a month. I love to read, but TV and the internet compete better for my attention. I'm embarrassed to think that if someone asked me, "What have you read recently?" it would become another famous gotcha. "What have you read recently?" isn't a trick question, as we've all heard, and if people in public life will be the object of scorn and ridicule for not reading, then I'd better hold myself to at least that lowest bar of conversation. Because seriously, if I went on a job interview and the principal asked me that, I'd stutter and freeze on that one. Unless Martha Stewart's Cupcakes cookbook counts, which I kind of don't think it does.

That's it. 4 short goals. I'm starting them on my 34th birthday hoping they'll be habits by the time I'm 35. Cut myself some slack, give up soda, exercise and read. I think I can do it. It's my own personal New Year, so why not throw some resolutions in there. And, of course, if sometime along the path of being 34 years old, I happen to have a baby or buy a house, I'm open to those as well.

However, the best news of all is that having just read Martha Stewart's Cupcakes cookbook, I have some awesome ideas for what birthday cake I should have...

Dog walking and grief

OMG. It is so cold here today. The weather display on my computer says 60 and there's a thermometer at one of the banks in town. It said 62. I am feeling a little outrageous today and therefore will flat-out call both my computer and the bank liars. LIARS! There is no way it is 60 or 62. My hands feel like ice.

I took the dog for a walk down at the beach, and despite freezing our butts off, it was a really nice time. She was full of energy, rolling in the sand, digging for shellfish (yes, it's true - she's a freak.) and she even went in the water. She typically hates the water, but for whatever reason today she actually had all 4 paws in.

This is a weird mental digression that I'm about to take, but it's rattling around in my mind, so I'm going to try to put it into words. Please don't think I'm too insane or weird on this one.

As many of you probably know, my mom died 5 years ago. While I would say that most days, I don't feel like I'm actively still grieving, every once in a while something will bring it up and here I am again. One thing I can say for sure is that losing my mom fundamentally, to the core, changed who I am. As it would anyone, I'm sure.

One of the ways that I feel changed plays out most dramatically in my relationship with my Zoe dog. We got her about a month after my mom died, so we've had her for just more than 5 years. She's now 6 years old. Beagles are supposed to live 12-15 years, they say. So Zoe is about middle-aged, I guess.

Because she's my dog and we've had her for almost her whole life, I really know her. I see her slowing down. She's not a puppy anymore. The vet says she's not getting old, she's 6 and in the middle of her life and I shouldn't see slowing down and that I probably don't really see it. My aunt, who has had many beagles says that 6 is the middle of her life, she's not slowing down, beagles can live for 15 years. Zoe must not be slowing down.

But here's the thing. She's my dog. I see her. I know her. She's slowing down. And maybe when I say that she's slowing down, this is where other people mean something else. Here's what I mean. I mean that if I took her down to that beach every single day in a week, maybe once or twice would she play like she did today. If I had taken her down to that beach when she was 2 or 3, she would play like that every time.

So when I take her to the beach and she wants to pull me off the path because she wants to go in the water and dig in the sand and eat clams (well that part is not OK with me) it stands out to me. It's a rare occasion that she wants to do that. So I let her, obviously.

The good way that I am changed from my mom's death is that I am acutely aware of the passage of time. I recognize that these fun times at the beach are fewer and further between than they used to be. But that makes me more present in those times when we're in one of those rare times that a walk is more than a regular walk. I'm really there with her and enjoying myself (except when she starts eating the clams. That's just weird.)

But the bad way that I am changed is this. "She's middle-aged. Beagles are supposed to live until they're 12-15 years." True. But mothers are supposed to live until they're 80-100. "Zoe's in the middle of her life. She's not slowing down." My mother was in the middle of her life, too. We have no guarantee of tomorrow, none of us. Not my mom, not me, not you, not my dog.

I try to take the good out of that and say that since we've no guarantee of tomorrow, if the dog wants to go on the beach and roll in the sand, then we absolutely have time to do that today.

I hate to think I'm grieving bad things before they've happened. That's the other side of that bittersweet feeling that comes with a dog randomly getting the energy to roll in the sand. I can't notice only that she's doing something she wouldn't do 6 of the 7 days this week. How can you think of the one time something happens without acknowledging the 6 times this week it hasn't happened? I'm happy that she had fun today. But also very aware that the last 6 times we've been at the beach, she hasn't wanted to roll in the sand.

I just reread this and I think I'm insane. So to pay you off for sticking around until the end of this post, I give you a picture of my beloved Zoe. Because if she wanted to roll in the sand and play in the water, I dare you to say no to her. Go ahead, try.

Yeah, I can't either. I can say no to her eating clams though. That's still just weird. And gross.

My Fun Weekend

Remember how I told you yesterday that I had an awesome weekend? Well it was so great! First, look who I met!

True, not the greatest picture. But hey, who cares? It's Duff! He even shook my hand. (Too bad I didn't get a picture of that moment!) This weekend was the NYC Wine and Food Festival, and they do all these different events, parties and cooking demonstrations. This was from the dessert event called Sweet. Oh my gosh, there were so many people there! It was in this huge event space that was the most sprawling thing ever. There were probably 5 or 6 huge rooms full of people and tables. Each table was a different baker or restaurant. And most importantly, at each table were samples of each baker's or restaurant's best dessert. I ate so many cupcakes, brownies, cookies, pie, chocolate mousse, gelato, you name it. After you sampled, you got to vote on which one was your favorite, and then the winning bakery or restaurant got a prize. The Clinton Street Bakery were the winners for an incredible upside down pear tart. Oh, it was wonderful! It was a lot of fun. And Mister and I got all dressed up and spent the evening in the city, which I always love to do.

Sunday was our day of lawn care. Mister cut the grass, and I took down my garden. I've never had a garden before this year, and it wasn't particularly successful, so I haven't decided if I'll do it again next year or not. But we took out the tomato cages, weeded everything (except the front walk) and raked a little bit. We went to Home Depot and bought some mums for the front of the house so we could be fall-ish and decorative. We grabbed some pumpkins and set up a little fall display.

Also, we had an interesting mum experience at Home Depot. As you can see, those are really large pots of mums. They were on the shelf, and we had one of those flatbed carts. I picked up one pot and Mister picked up the other. We left the mums on the cart for a few minutes and went out to the front of the store to look at the pumpkins. While we were out there, my face started to feel really itchy. I asked Mister if my forehead was red. He said that it was, but really my whole face was red. Then a minute later, I noticed that he was scratching too. "Is my neck red?" he asked. Uh oh. It was a really long itchy ride home from Home Depot! We didn't suspect the mums right away though. While we were inside the store, we saw some of the bulbs for gardens for next year. I picked up the hyacinth bulbs and I was looking at the package. I noticed a warning that said, "Hyacinth bulbs have been known to cause skin irritation in some people. Please wear gloves when handling them." So naturally, when I got itchy 10 minutes later, I blamed the hyacinth bulbs. I didn't think it was the mums until we got home. By then, we had both stopped itching and then we unloaded the mums from the car. By the time we got inside, both of our necks and faces were itchy again. I really like those mums. I think they're very pretty. But when it's time to clean them up, I say, "NOT IT!!" Or maybe I'll wear a hat and a scarf and a ski mask or something!

Aaargh!!

OK, let me tell you about my day so far.

First, I had to do some laundry or I couldn't get dressed. So I started off doing laundry so that I could get dressed and get moving on my day.

Once I got dressed, I had to go to the grocery store, which I usually do on Mondays, so it's kind of my regular schedule. We always go to this grocery store that is kind of far away. It's way better, and a lot of stuff is cheaper. It's kind of like a farm stand type of grocery store, but they pretty much have most things we need. But it's about 20 minutes away and we definitely pass about 5 perfectly reasonable grocery stores on the way. Now this is like the Disneyworld of grocery stores - they have characters in costumes, animatronic robots who sing songs for the kids, and whatnot. It's kind of weird. So dummy here forgot that it's not a school day. Now they have all these special kid activities going on, a hayride, a pumpkin carver, a magician, and a band. It took a while to get through the store, but I highly prefer this store, so I don't really complain that it takes long. I know it takes long, and that's part of the deal with going to the better store, I get that.

So I got home from the grocery store and I had to bake. Mister had asked me last week if I would bake something today for his class tomorrow. He's leading his small group discussion and thought it would be friendlier if his leadership offered baked goods. I agreed, so I said I'd make some brownies today.

But first, I've been really craving chocolate chip cookies, so I thought that I'd bake both. It's not really hard to bake either, so certainly I could bake both. Fine, great, an afternoon of baking. I put the dog outside on her tie-out so she can enjoy the nice weather and I started to collect my supplies. Then, uh-oh.... I won't have enough chocolate chips to make a batch of cookies. (This is when I'm really grateful that on the way to the good store we pass about 5 other stores...) So I realize I have to get to the store so I can finish my cookies.

Off I go! This is how it goes to this store. It's pretty close, 4 or 5 minutes to drive there. But then parking fiasco! 10 minutes to park! Then another 10 minutes to shop and pay! Then walk back to the car and another 10 minutes to get out of the parking lot! Then another 4 or 5 minutes to drive home. I needed chocolate chips and it takes 45 minutes. :( Oh well, I say. That's again, part of the deal. If you live in a big town, that's how these things go.

I got home, get my chocolate chips and go inside. I made the cookies, and I'm all set to start making brownies. Then, uh-oh... I don't have enough cocoa to make the brownies. So I realize I have to get to the store so I can finish my brownies....

Actually, this was where I told Mister that I was about to lose my mind and would not be making a 3rd trip to the store on the same day. He agreed and offered to pick some cocoa up for me on his way home if I would make the brownies tonight after dinner. So now I'm relaxing before I start dinner. What a crazy day!

Mister and I had a super fun weekend, which will require a separate post because it was just that awesome. I think I'll make that post tomorrow.

Sweet Dreams...

I dreamed about my baby last night. She was perfect and beautiful and awesome. I kept looking at her and thinking that I couldn't believe she was here and real. Of course, then I woke up and realized that she wasn't here or real, but it was a great dream while it lasted. I love those dreams; it gives me so much hope to think that this adoption is for real, even if we don't know who or where or when our baby will be here. It kind of feels like when you are reading a really tense or scary book and you read the last chapter, just to know that it'll all work out. That dream reminds me that it'll all work out. So thanks for checking in, Baby! It was great to see you. I can't wait until you're here and real.

Oh and speaking of the dream baby, this is weird. The dream baby had a name, which is a name that I would never use. It's a good name, but it's a friend's daughter's name. But in my dream, it was my baby's name, and it was great. Then first thing this morning, I took the dog for a walk in the park. We met another dog along the path and I asked the owner what her dog's name was... it was the name of my friend's daughter, and my dream baby from last night! Weird, right?

Blog Award!!

Well, I've never gotten a blog award before, so it's kind of exciting. Thanks to Lauren, my blog buddy who shares my Connecticut/Pennsylvania roots.

So now I get to do a post about getting an award.

Here are the rules:

- thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.

- share 7 things about yourself.

- pass the award on to 7 other bloggers who you think are fabulous.

- contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award.

Seven Things About Me

1) When we moved from Massachusetts to Connecticut, I spent probably 6-7 months hating it and wishing I could go back to small-town life. Now I find myself wishing we lived closer to NYC.

2) In order to adopt from our agency in CT, we had to have a family member write a letter of reference for us. Mister and I decided to ask my older brother and his wife write a letter on our behalf. On the same day that we told them about our adoption and asked them for help with our paperwork, they told us that they're also adopting and needed help with their paperwork as well! I'm going to be a mom and an auntie!

3) I love Netflix and I've been watching a lot of stuff lately. Here's the odd thing - I get movies and TV shows on DVD, but when I have both a season of a TV show and a movie at the same time, I watch an entire season of a TV show in 2 or 3 days, and a full-length film will sit on the coffee table for an entire week. I buzzed through 3 seasons of Gossip Girl and 4 seasons of Grey's Anatomy in about 2 weeks. I got the Lovely Bones, and I kept it for probably 2 weeks before I watched it. There's something much more doable about watching shows in 42 minute segments than a 120 minute movie. I don't know what it is. I'm a weirdo.

4) I have weird control-freak issues about the dumbest things - for example, I like the play counts on my iTunes playlists to match up. This affects my life not at all, but I just like the look of having everything all lined up. Of course, as soon as I had everything on my favorite playlist all even, Mister plugged his iPad into my computer and messed up all my play counts. Now I'll have to even it all out again.

5) My mother always told me (probably everyone's mother said this at one point) "When you grow up and have a kid, you'll see... she'll be JUST.... LIKE..... YOU!!!!!!" I guess it'll be good that we will have had to prepare so much for parenthood. I was kind of a whirlwind as a kid.

6) (This is only kind of about me, indirectly.) My dog's name is Zoe, named for the character on Sesame Street, kind of. When we got her, I was teaching 2nd grade, and I asked the children for input on what we should name her. One of the girls said we should name the dog Zoe because she'd always wanted a dog, and if she ever got a boy dog, she'd name him Elmo. On Sesame Street, Elmo's girlfriend is Zoe, and if she ever got a boy dog named Elmo, she'd bring him over to our house and he could be our dog's boyfriend and it would be just like Sesame Street. I thought that was one of the funniest uses of kid logic that I'd ever heard, so of course I had to agree to it. Zoe it was.

7) I'll finish with a childhood gem. One of my younger brothers was severely asthmatic as a child. He's better now, but he logged lots of hospital time as a youngster. One of those times was completely my fault.... My parents had a tiny B&W TV that they kept in their bedroom. They'd move it into our rooms sometimes just for fun. My brother and I were camping out in his room, getting ready to watch Little House on the Prairie. Just before Little House was to begin, President Reagan busted in with an address. Two little kids watching a Presidential address, well, clearly we weren't paying any attention to the content of the speech. We started making fun of the way he spoke, and his voice, and my imitation of President Reagan was so dead-on that my brother started laughing and couldn't stop. Then he started wheezing and couldn't stop. Then he stopped breathing and couldn't start. Oops. Off they went to the hospital, where he stayed for a few days. I felt pretty guilty about that one. It all ended well, though, so we can laugh about it now. I'm fairly certain that neither of my parents felt much like laughing that night though.

So those are 7 things about me. Now onto the tagging of 7 people I think are fabulous.

I tag:

Rain from It's Always Raining

Kelly from The Sun'll Come out Tomorrow (I Hope)

Grace from Chois-R-Us

Tillie from A Nuttier Life

Browniris from The (In)Fertility Diaries

S from Misconceptions about Conception

Jonelle from Somewhere in the Middle with You

Whew. That was hard. But fun. Thanks Lauren for tagging me!

D'oh!

I completely forgot about ICLW. I forgot to sign up and now it's too late. But maybe that's OK - I'll do free form ICLW and post and comment when I can. Feel free to leave comments (or not) if you like.

We are moving along right along with all the adoption stuff. Mister went to the doctor for his physical, and we are so close to being finished with the profile book. We're still working on the closing few paragraphs and then that's it. I can't believe we're really this close. (Of course, this is before I have to wait up to 3 years or whatever. I'm sure after years of waiting being "this close" will seem funny.)

This weekend, Mister and I are going to my aunt and uncle's 25th wedding anniversary party. My uncle is my mom's youngest brother, and he was a very young uncle. He is 13 years older than my older brother, and 16 years older than I. When we were very little, we had a teenage uncle! Kind of funny. (It's not really that funny, I suppose. My uncle was born when my mom was 12, and so my mom was 25 when my brother was born and 28 when she had me. Not that unusual at all, really.)

At any rate, we're going to my uncle's party. My mom wasn't really close to her family, so we didn't really see them all that much, and I'm not sure I've seen them since my mom's funeral.

None of my brothers are going; they all have other things they're doing. So it's just me and Mister and my dad. I still feel weird about going though. Just because I haven't seen them in so long. And because I haven't seen them in a long time, I really hope this party won't turn into a "when are you going to have kids?" spectacular. Because while I can write my little paragraph up there about how much progress we've made on this adoption, we still have no idea when we are going to have kids. And we're not "out" about this adoption AT ALL (like no one except the people who wrote our reference letters knows) so I won't even tell them how much progress we've made.

But, the good news is that on the way home from my uncle's, we are stopping to see our friends who had a baby recently. I think she's like 7 weeks old or something. So I'm kind of psyched about that. Knowing that I will get some baby cuddles is going to be the carrot on the stick to get me through this (probably very boring) family party.