Bummer... But Hope Anyway

The principal e-mailed me last night - I didn't get the kindergarten job. She urged me to sign up to substitute in their district though, and hoped that she'd see me around. I haven't signed up to sub in that district, but I have in my town. I figure I'll add the other town as well, since it's only the next town over and not far away.

So I'll sub this year. It'll be OK. I'm kind of sad to not get a job for another year. (Because seriously?!? What the hell is wrong with me that I can't get a job for 2 years in a row?!?) It brings up all this self-doubt - should I be a teacher? Am I doing the right thing with my life? This job that I love and think I'm really good at, apparently no one else thinks I'm good enough. That kind of hurts.

So I'll sub and I'll continue to delude myself with thoughts that we'll have a quick adoption in the fall or winter and I'd have had to quit that job anyway.

I've had other times in my life when it was really hard to find a job, and looking back at them, I was fortunate to have had really precious non-job opportunities that I wouldn't have had if I had been working. When I first graduated, I couldn't find a job to save my life. Same kind of thing as now, I went on all these interviews and didn't get any jobs. Then my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and because I was not teaching, I had so much more time to spend with her. I wouldn't trade those last months with my mom for any job security or teaching experience in the world. And if I had been at work that year, I would have missed being with her.

Last year, with no job, it was kind of my hedonistic year. I really focused on doing things that I love. I tried new things I didn't even know I loved. I took a photography class, which was really awesome and I ended up buying myself a fabulous camera and I learned how to use it. I love to bake and cook (and eat, which is why I gained about 10 pounds too...) so I spent the year baking new things. Also, I traveled a lot last year. I went to France and Spain and Ireland during the school year, and California last summer. It's been a busy year, even without a job.

I'm open to taking full advantage of this time off. I had hoped I'd take advantage of a job this year. But if not, then hopefully I'll finally get to be a mother. I do recognize how those two things are not related, in theory. At least subbing this year will give me the opportunity to continue to travel and do fun things that I like, regardless of when (if) we are matched.

But really, I have this secret fantasy. I guess it's not going to be a secret fantasy anymore, since I'm about to say what it is. Basically, it goes like this - shortly after we're finished with our home study, we're matched quickly. This is the part where the fantasy gets fuzzy, but it ends with me buying a Baby's First Christmas 2010 ornament for our tree. Fantasy, I know. But it's fun to dream...

Together Again

Well, Mister and I are walking together again. Figuratively, of course. Well literally, too, when we are walking. Right now he's sleeping and I'm awake, so we're not really together at this exact moment, but whatev.

The appointment has been made. It's not until the end of September, but I really don't care about that. We have a date, we have a target. This way, whether I get a job or not, regardless of anything else in our lives, I have a deadline and I hope to finish our profile by the time Mister goes to the doctor.

That way, as soon as our social worker gets his medical forms, she can finish our home study and I will have our profile finished. I hope we can have our profile out in the universe by October 1.

And from there, it's not up to us. We'll just do our thing and pray that we are matched with the right people. And then, maybe we'll be parents. How amazing that would be!

I had a moment yesterday, when I started to think of that marriage analogy I said last time, when one person is walking faster than the other, stopping every so often to turn around and say, "Hurry up!" Or the other side of it, when you're walking more slowly than the other person and you have to say, "hold on! Slow down!" Mister and I were walking together, completely together. Holding hands, walking side by side and really just walking together. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, Mister started going really really fast. We were still holding hands, though, and the result was that he pulled me forward. I caught up and we were walking together again.

For whatever reason, that image hits home for me. Our marriage is like that - we're together, completely, in lockstep. And then suddenly we're not, for whatever reason. We push ahead of the other, wait for the other one, hold hands and pull the other forward. Then, just as suddenly, we're together, completely in lockstep again. The most incredible thing about it for me is that whenever we're together and we're moving in unison, that's an unbeatable team. And there's no better feeling in the world than that.

More Hope

Well, I'm back from my interview. I think it went well. It was for kindergarten, so that's always a good thing. How can you go wrong with a group of 5 year olds?! After we talked, as I was leaving, the principal said that my passion for teaching was evident to them.

Clearly that's a good thing for her to have said. On the other hand, I've been on so many interviews and received so many compliments and heard such nice things, only to not get the job in the end.

So my fingers are crossed and I'm waiting in joyful hope for the phone to ring!

Funny, one of my friends told me that she'd say a prayer to Saint Anthony for me. Saint Anthony, for those who don't know, is the patron saint of finding lost things. Of all the prayers I've said in the last year for a job, I never thought of telling Saint Anthony that I lost my job and I need help to find it!

Saint Anthony, I lost my job. I really need your help to find it. :)

He's never let me down, so there's that. Fingers crossed and whatnot.

Hope

I got called for an interview later this week. I was so excited that I forgot to ask the principal what grade it's for! I tried to call back, but no one answered, and then I figured that I'd feel really dumb to leave a voicemail saying that I forgot to ask and she forgot to say, so I am just going to hope that I'm interviewing for kindergarten or first grade. I just hope it's not for 4th or 5th, since I've never taught either. While there's a part of me that would really prefer to have a baby this fall, I also wouldn't mind cashing some paychecks first. May as well start socking away the money for Adoption #2 while we can, right?

It's funny to think how quickly things can change. I might have to prepare a classroom next week. I'm not holding my breath though, because I've been on a bazillion interviews already this summer (and all during last year too) and I haven't gotten those either. But it's sure fun to hope....

And, if nothing else, if I do get a job, I'll have a place to wear all those skirts and sweaters and boots I saw in the catalogs yesterday!

An assortment

So it's August, it's almost 90 degrees in Connecticut right now and I'm looking at catalogs of fall clothes.

It's weird, because I'm not a cool weather person at all. I hate snow, I hate cold, and therefore, I cannot think of a more miserable time than winter. I hate socks and shoes - I'd wear flip flops or be barefoot all year if it were possible. Connecticut's winters are too cold and wet for that, unfortunately.

But I have to tell you... there is just something satisfying about looking at a catalog of new sweaters and jeans. More than any type of clothes, I love to look at fall clothes.

So yeah, it's 90 degrees, I'm sweating, and I'm looking at jeans, boots and sweaters. As a teacher, September is like my New Year's. I guess I have all those memories of starting anew in new clothes. The weird thing is that since I lost my job and haven't found another one, I have nowhere to wear new clothes anyway. I think I might try to sub this year, so maybe I'll need some new clothes after all.

In other news, I'm on a Nutella kick these days. My goal for tonight is an ice cream sundae with Nutella sauce. I think it'll be good. What better way to celebrate 7 pounds of weight loss in 4 weeks than with ice cream, right? Not that I'm trying to sabotage my success or anything. But you know, everything in moderation.

Anyway, I need to rebound from the last week or so. Since we got home from Colorado last week, I've gotten two Facebook pregnancy announcements and a third friend had her baby. Dear God, what a week. Just when I think everyone who could possibly have a kid already has, another pregnant person appears somehow. And oddly, I have a drastically reduced, pared down social circle as a result. I have like 5 friends. How could 3 of them be pregnant at the same time?!!? Sheesh. So yeah, ice cream for dinner tonight. And just because everyone I know is pregnant and I'm not, I may have a glass or two of wine. So there!

Bummed

I'm in a tough spot. I'm really sad and upset and hurt. But I don't want to be one of those complaining people who whines and moans and groans about everything and everyone.

We're almost done with our home study. We started the paperwork for our home study in November. It's been just over 9 months. We've done everything we needed to do, except for one thing. Mister hasn't been to the doctor. I went in April (and even then, I felt like it was taking so long... at that point we were at 5 months and it still felt long!) and I kept telling Mister that he has to go to the doctor for a physical. He said, "Yeah, ok..." and we moved onto our regular business. In May, I told Mister he had to go to the doctor. He said, "Yeah, ok...." and we moved on again. At some point in May, I told Mister again that he has to go to the doctor and I asked him if it would help if I made the appointment. He said he'd take care of it. He still hasn't.

I've dropped reminders here and there, I've said in a forthright way that this needs to get done. I've even had crying fits that he needs to get this done. He still hasn't.

It is not lost on me that the last time that Mister went to a doctor was to receive an infertility diagnosis. I believe that his last conversation with a doctor was that there was nothing the doctor could do for us. I understand that there are all sorts of emotions about going to a doctor for an adoption physical when the last doctor you saw was a doctor who said infertility.

I can not, I have not, I will not push him on this. Every step of this adoption has been about 100 times slower than it would have been if I were doing it on my own. I have to let him come to this in his time. I just don't think an adoption is the kind of thing he can do for me. Let me pick a restaurant or a movie or even a vacation spot, fine. Sometimes you let the other person have what they want, even if it's what you don't want. Sometimes you do what you need to do and don't say anything. Sometimes keeping the peace is the most important thing. I don't think that's the way to go for an adoption and parenting. We have to be in the same place at the same time about this.

This whole partnership thing. Man, it's tough sometimes. Sometimes you have to slow down and wait when you don't want to. Sometimes you have to move faster to keep up. But when you're in the same place at the same time walking at the same pace, there is just nothing like it. I'm keeping that in mind.

Even though I want to turn around and say, "HURRY UP!!!!!"

Like everything else in my life though, it takes as long as it takes and we'll be done when we're done. I'm not in a race with anyone and maybe there's some cosmic reason for the delay. Maybe someday it'll all make sense.

Back home!

We had a beautiful time in Colorado. It was so busy, but we had a really wonderful trip. The Mister had never been to Wyoming before (I had, but I was in high school and we went on a crazy family trip the summer I was 17. We went to 8 states in 3 weeks and we rented a van to drive all around the Western part of the country. 7 of us in a van. I was 17 and I scowled for pretty much the entire time.) so Mr. thought it would be fun to go to Wyoming. Cheyenne is about 90 miles away from Denver and there was a big rodeo in Cheyenne. Neither of us had ever been to a rodeo, so we decided to go for it. Additionally, they had some carnival/state fair thing going on at the same place. It was good fun. Lots of horses, bulls, and cowboys. I hadn't considered this when I agreed to go, but a rodeo is an awesome place to take pictures. There's a lot of unusual stuff going on at a rodeo.

Here's a cowboy falling off his horse.

Poor baby horse fell over! He was quick back up onto his feet though - even faster than the cowboy did.
This was our funnel cake sundae. I had never really considered this as an option, but that's why we have inventors. It was pretty darn fantastic.Then we went to Nebraska, back to Denver for a Rockies game, a concert at Red Rocks, but most importantly, the mountains. Holy moly, those mountains. I've never seen anything like them. It is hard to believe that those mountains and New York City can be in the same country. What an amazing country this is and what an amazing world!

So now I've added 2 new states to my list - Colorado and Nebraska. This brings me to a total of 39 states.

Here's the question - what are your rules for counting if you've been to a state before? Mr. and I were discussing this with my brother recently. My brother says you've been to a state as long as you are on the ground and left the airport. Good rule, but what if you don't remember it? When I was a baby (I forget exactly how old, but definitely under 2) my family went to New Mexico to visit my aunt and uncle and cousins. I remember nothing from this trip, so I've never counted that I have been to New Mexico. But really, I left the airport and probably had my feet on the ground. So I could count it, I guess. I just don't remember the trip at all, so I don't know if it's fair to count it.

Here's why this is important. This brother has been to 39 states. I've been to 39 states that I remember. If I count New Mexico, it's really 40 states. Do you think I can count New Mexico in order to have been to more states than my brother? Even if I don't remember New Mexico? I think so. I've been to 40 states and I'm ahead of my brother! Woo!