Adoption Profile Book

Pardon me, I don't do this often, but I'm just going to whine here for a minute.

I'm writing our adoption profile book now. AND IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!! This project, for whatever reason, is so big and hard and scary. I find myself completely unable to do this. I've split it up into sections, and even the easy section - tell how you met and describe your relationship - isn't that easy. This is really, really hard for me.

But it doesn't matter how hard it is. I've been sitting on this since June and seriously, it's a scrapbook-type book. I need to just get over it - it's simply not that scary. I wanted to finish a draft by Labor Day, which means I really need to get my butt in gear.

Well, thanks for letting me whine. I'm holing myself up today and trying to accomplish this task. I'm trying to limit my distractions and if it doesn't work, I'll turn off my internet to completely turn off the distractions. I've even thought I might go to the library later just to go somewhere else to work on it. Sometimes the change of scenery helps. We'll see. Wish me luck...

Party!!

Mister and I went to a party this weekend. That we were invited to a party is somewhat a rarity. I think I've said before, but we are really not the most social people ever. Not the most antisocial either, but we're probably close.

The friends we have tend to be people we've known for a long time. I love the friends we have, and it's nice to say that we've known most of our friends since high school and college. The problem with high school and college friends is that physically, we've gone our separate ways. Most of our friends live somewhere else, mostly in other states.

I've honestly had a hard time making friends as an adult. And I totally blame infertility. This is a hard thing for Mister to understand because it's just not the same for men, but here's the condensed version of how the conversations always go with me and other women near my age.

Her: Nice to meet you. Do you have any kids?

Me: (Count to 3, no physical reactions please, no making faces.....)

Me: No/Not yet/Maybe someday/We're working on it/Just the 20 I send home every day at 3 PM!/No, just the dog right now/We hope we will someday soon (Answer depends on my mood, the situation, the person asking, whether or not she seems to want a conversation or easy small talk)

Her: Oh. I have 3 kids.

Conversation ends here. Every time. I don't even know what to talk about with strangers. As soon as they hear that we don't have kids, I'm not worth their time.

So generally, I'm not really enthusiastic about going to a new place to meet a bunch of new people who will ask me all about my plans for having children but not actually care.

I wasn't going to go to this party. This friend is not really a close friend and she lives kind of far away. We used to work together, and I really enjoyed her at work. She was kind of weird, a little bit dorky, but she definitely got my sarcastic wiseguy kind of humor. Mister had met her a few times and wasn't really crazy about her or her husband. They were fine people to sit with at another colleague's party or wedding or whatever, but I don't think he felt like he wanted to seek them out as friends.

So when she invited us to her party, we both kind of waffled. It's kind of far to go, no one else from my old school would go, so I wouldn't know anyone but my friend and her husband, there are plenty of other things that I'd rather do on a summer Sunday. Well, we decided to go, figuring at least it was a nice day for a drive, we'd be together, and we could leave whenever we want.

And then I got there, and I remembered what it is that I love about this friend. She has a 3 year old daughter who is absolutely not the center of every thought and conversation. This is a lady who has a kid, and to the people with kids, she can talk about kids. But she certainly doesn't feel limited to kid conversation topics with people without kids. So she had some toys and stuff set up in the yard for people who brought their kids. My friend scheduled this party to coincide with her daughter's nap. Why? So she could have a party.

And then my friend shot to the top of my list.

When you go to parties, how do you talk to new people? What kinds of things do you ask them that takes the focus off "I have kids/I don't have kids, but I'd like to and my heart hurts about it constantly"? I feel like I have a fairly strong arsenal of stuff to talk about with guys, but with women it's so hard to find that common ground when their only activity/thought/conversation seems to revolve around small children. What is your common ground with fertile women? (Which totally makes them sound like aliens, I know. I don't mean to make it sound rude or mean, but I'm doing sociological research here!)

Malaise

This is a good word for this time of year. It is, at least, if last year was any indication. Last September was really hard for me. I expect this one will be less so, but still not easy. Last year at this time, I was unemployed, I was scared, I was lonely. All my friends were going back to school and I was not. And that was the first time in many years that I would not be in a classroom in September.

But... this is a different year. Yes, it's true that all my friends are going back to school within the next week or two. Yes, it's also true that I am not. But last year at this time, I lacked the perspective that when you're unemployed you get to do more things than you would if you were working.

Here are some things that I did in the last year (that I wouldn't have done if I were working...)

1) Went to France and Spain at Christmas with my whole family - I planned the whole trip. I conceived the entire idea, convinced everyone that we ought to do it, rented the apartment, found flights, made the itinerary for the whole trip. It was an incredible trip. Once in a lifetime, perhaps, but we did it!

2) Took a photography class - I had always wanted to learn how to take better pictures, and the adult education in my town had a photography class. I learned how to use the camera I had and eventually bought a better one. I know how to use that too.

3) Went to Ireland with my mother-in-law - This was funny. Mister's mother called me randomly on a Friday in May and told me that she was going to Ireland the next week for her work. She said that everyone in her group was bringing someone from their family and Mister's sister and dad were both working and couldn't get the time off. Obviously, time off was not a problem for me, so I said yes. I went to Ireland for a week on something like 8 days notice.

4) Rediscovered my love of baking - (Thanks for reading those PB&J cupcake posts, btw!) I tried to bake something every week for the people in Mister's office. Most of it got rave reviews, which always made me feel good. The good part was sending it off to the office in a container in the morning and just getting the container back at night. It's hard to feel guilty about eating one cupcake or brownie or cookie or whatever. I know that if I had the entire pan of brownies here, I'd eat them. So I'd eat one when I made it, pack it up and send it to the office with Mister. Win-win.

5) Move - Finally. We moved out of our crappy neighborhood and our crappy townhouse into a new house. We had been talking about it for most of the last 3 years, but I was always too busy. While Mister was at school and at work, I packed up our old house, drove boxes over to the new house, and unpacked the boxes at the new house. The movers really only brought the furniture over. I did most of the boxes and anything else that didn't go in a box but wouldn't be considered furniture. As a result, we lived in a neighborhood that didn't make our social worker roll her eyes when she came. It's important to make the right impression when you can, and our old neighborhood would not have helped. So now we're happy with where we live, and the "Our Home" page in the profile will be gorgeous instead of just OK.

So, since I'm not planning to be in the classroom for the 2010-2011 school year, I hope I will be as open to some other great stuff that couldn't happen while I was working. Here are some things that I hope will happen.

1) Profile - I hope to finish our profile book by Labor Day. I just want to get it out of the way. I plan to hole myself up next week and just bang out the first draft for our social worker to read. It doesn't matter that it won't be perfect, but I just want to get something down on paper. I can edit from there. Right now, I can't edit because there's nothing to edit!

2) Mister's graduation - Right now it is scheduled for December. I can't wait. I miss him so much when he's in class and it takes up so much of his brain space. I will be so happy for him when he's finished.

3) Weight Loss - I'd like to lose about 15 more pounds. I started in July and have lost about 7 pounds so far. It kind of fluctuates depending on the day, but I'd feel great to weigh about 15 pounds less. It's really hard, but I'm doing it. Slowly, slowly, but I'll get there.

4) Travel - I don't really have any planned, but at this time last year, I never would have said I would go to France, Spain and Ireland within the year. So travel is always on my list and I keep myself open for any fun opportunities.

5) Last but not least, adoption - Obviously. I hope that we're matched quickly. I hope that it's a successful match and placement. I hope that we have a baby soon.

Filling and Frosting PB&J Cupcakes - Now with a surprising twist!

I will continue telling you about my PB&J cupcakes, because they are delicious and because I liked my pictures of them.

When filling cupcakes, I like to use a small paring knife and make an X in the center of the cupcake. It makes it easier for the tip and filling to go into the cupcake. (I don't know why I didn't take a picture of filling the cupcake... that was dumb.) Anyway, whatever I want to put into the cupcake, I put into a disposable decorating/pastry bag. In this case it was strawberry jelly. So I filled my bag with jelly and placed the tip down inside the X on my cupcake. Gently squeeze the bag until about 1 tablespoon of filling goes into the cupcake. Keep some jelly in the bag for the final decorating touches!
Set the cupcakes aside and now make the frosting. You will need cream cheese, confectioner's sugar, heavy cream, peanut butter, salt and vanilla.
Beat 6 ounces of cream cheese, 1/2 cup of cream, 1/3 cup of confectioner's sugar together until stiff peaks form. It should look and taste like whipped cream.
Add in 1 cup of peanut butter, 1/2 teaspoon of salt, and 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla. Beat all together until light and fluffy.
Using another decorating bag, (if you don't have decorating bags, you can use a spatula and frost as usual) pipe the frosting onto the cupcakes. Leave a spot in the center of the cupcake for more jelly. And there you have it, a peanut butter and jelly cupcake!
Surprise twist!!! Surprise twist!!! For those of you who loved a PB&J sandwich as a kid, peanut butter and jelly is fine. But for those of you who like surprise twists, and enjoyed Fluffernutters almost as much as a PB&J, I made half of these cupcakes into PB&F cupcakes. Oh yes, I did.

If you would like to have peanut butter and fluff cupcakes, the only part that will be different is the center filling. To make a marshmallow cream (creme?) filling, you will need Fluff, confectioner's sugar, shortening, vanilla and salt. And very hot water. (The first part involves the salt and water. I used a white dish, so it was hard to see and even harder to photograph, so you just have to take my word for it.)

The first thing that you will need to do is dissolve 1/4 teaspoon of salt into 2 teaspoons of water. Set that mixture aside.
Whip together 7 ounces of Fluff, 1/2 cup shortening, 1/3 cup of confectioner's sugar, and 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla. Mix together until it starts to get fluffy. Then add the saltwater and continue to mix.
Spoon marshmallow filling mixture into a decorating bag, and squeeze filling into cupcakes.
Frost as for PB&J cupcakes, but in the center, add another dollop of marshmallow.
And there you have it. This is what I've been doing for the last 2 days! I'd like to sit down and relax, but unfortunately, I have a kitchen to clean and about a million dishes to do. (The major downside of baking, in my estimation...)

But now that the rain has stopped and the sun has come out, I may not do dishes for a while. Maybe I'll go sit on the porch and relax first.

How do you keep yourself busy when it's raining?

Peanut Butter and Jelly Cupcakes, FTW!

I don't know what the weather has been like where you are, but here in Connecticut, it's been dreary and rainy all week. Perfect weather for baking.

I saw a recipe for peanut butter and jelly cupcakes. It was a really cute recipe - peanut butter cupcakes with a peanut butter whipped cream frosting. Then you make a little well on the top of the frosting and put a dab of jelly. Cute idea, but not really a peanut butter and jelly cupcake, if you ask me. I tweaked the recipe a little bit and decided to do the peanut butter cupcake and the peanut butter frosting, but fill the inside of the cupcake with jelly.

People like pictures in blog posts, so I'm showing you pictures of how I made these cupcakes. Part 2 will have the filling and frosting.

Here's what you need - flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt, butter, sugar, peanut butter, 3 eggs, vanilla and sour cream.

Whisk together 1 3/4 cups of flour, 2 1/4 teaspoons of baking powder, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and 1/4 teaspoon baking soda.
In another bowl, with an electric mixer, cream the butter and sugar together until they are fluffy.
Reduce mixer to low speed and add in the peanut butter. Add eggs one at a time and beat until each one is incorporated. (3 eggs total.) Then mix in 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract.
Gradually add the flour mixture until it is fully combined. Then add 1/2 cup of sour cream.
Divide evenly among muffin tins with liners.
Bake at 350° for 19-22 minutes. Rotate pan once during baking.
Cool on wire rack. Check out my fancy cupcake liner papers! I got them at Michael's for cheap, maybe $1.99 for 75 wrappers. Cute, huh?
Stay tuned for part 2, filling and frosting peanut butter and jelly cupcakes. Also, there will be a surprise twist that you will never see coming!

Dealing With Grief, part 2

For those of you who missed Dealing with Grief, part 1, here it is.

For those of you who don't want to go back and read it, (I understand... it's long) here are the Cliffs Notes version

- My mom died of cancer in 2005.

- For a long time, I felt like I had dealt with her death, but truly, I wasn't (probably still am not) entirely sure what it means to have dealt with someone's death.

- I still miss her terribly, and cry at every sappy TV/movie mother-daughter moment.

Dealing with Grief, part 2

Has anyone watched The Big C on Showtime? I have. I love it. I laughed my butt off and didn't cry once. It's all about a woman who has been diagnosed with skin cancer, and she completely changes her current life in order to fulfill what she thinks the rest of her life should be. That idea of "live like you're dying" becomes her attitude as she faces her own mortality. It's really quite a funny show.

I don't know what it means that I can watch a show about a woman confronted with cancer and how she begins to plan the rest of her life with the end in mind. I watched 2 episodes of Big C last night and I didn't shed a single tear. Oh no, this show is hilarious. The concept is sad, but the material is funny. I'm fairly certain that my mom would have enjoyed this show.

Speaking of which, I've always heard people who have lost someone say things like, "Oh, she would have loved such and such...." I really haven't done that much for my mom. There are a few things that I would say "Mom would really have loved..." I think The Big C is one of them. Wii is another. I can't even believe my mom has been gone longer than we've had our Wii. My mom would freaking love to play Wii. I bet she'd be a champ at the balance board games.

Wii, of course, is a separate topic altogether. I started this entry to say 2 things - I love The Big C, and I'm counting it as some kind of a "dealing with grief" victory that I wasn't choked up watching it.

Also, Big C was filmed in Connecticut and I recognized one of the places in the show last night! I saw one of the stores and said, "Oh, I know just where they are!" That's always a fun feeling.

ICLW Fun Facts - A few days late

For those of you who are coming through ICLW, welcome! (For those of you who come when it's not ICLW, welcome to you too!)

You can read my introduction post or a fun post to get to know me better.

Or just keep reading now, because I'm going to say some more fun things to tell about myself.

1) I love to bake. Love it, love it, love it. I always say if the teaching career doesn't work out (which it clearly isn't, but I'm not really ready to make any career moves at this stage either) then I'd like to open a bakery. I think people will come. After all, I've mastered the art of the chocolate chip cookie, thanks to Grace.

2) My car is 10 years old. All the people that I've known longer than 10 years have gotten new cars (some people even 2 or 3 cars) in the last 10 years. My car is officially the oldest car I know. Well, no, I take that back. My dad's car is 11 years old. My car is officially the 2nd oldest car I know! I'd love to buy a new car, but this one has been paid off for 6 years now. And after 6 years, the mental transition from "no car payment" to "car payment" would not be smooth. So I'll keep my old junker until I don't want it anymore.

3) Mister and I have a season ticket package to the Red Sox. Our seats are not very good, and it's only 10 games a year, but I sure love to go. It's really hard to go nowadays though, since we're 3 hours away. I used to think that we'd go up, go to the game and then drive home all in the same day. Yeah, it turns out I hate doing that. It's been so hard for us to get to mid-week games since we moved to CT that we're thinking of not renewing our package for next year. I will cry to say goodbye to Fenway this October.

4) I'm going to substitute teach this year, and while I feel kind of ambivalent about that, I am looking forward to the freedom and flexibility per diem work allows. Though I'm nervous that I will take advantage of that flexibility and not work at all. It becomes really easy to say, "Well I can't work on Mondays because I grocery shop on Monday, and if we go away for a weekend, well, I won't work on Friday because I'll need to get ready and I'll be too tired when we get back, so I can't work on Monday, but then I won't work on Tuesday because I won't have gotten any food for lunch, so I'll need Tuesday to shop because I was too tired on Monday..." Probably not exactly like that, but you get the idea.

5) Modern life has completely ruined reading for me. I used to love to read books. As a kid, I won our town's library contest every summer for who could read the most books. I read constantly. As a result, I developed a love for language and an advanced vocabulary that earned me the nickname Walking Dictionary. Now, I'm into Netflix, reality television and the internet. I hardly ever go to the library anymore, and I could barely hold my own in a "What are you reading now?" conversation. It's weird. I loved reading so much, and now I don't really miss it. But I recognize that reading is important for shaping a well-rounded person and I ought to get back into it. Like so many other things, I just need to take the plunge and get back into it.

So those are some fun facts about me.

Tired

I'm feeling so lazy today! We went to Boston yesterday to go to a Red Sox game. Mister and I have a little season ticket package (little meaning 10 games, probably 3 or 4 of which we actually ever get to.)

My dad and brother live outside of Boston, so we usually try to tie a Sox game into a family visit. Good deal usually. Sometimes we go up on Saturday and spend the whole weekend, but this time we decided we'd just go up on Sunday. My brother works on Saturdays and my dad was away, so it really wouldn't have been an exciting trip for us to go up on Saturday. So we decided to hang around here in CT and do boring grownup things like errands and weeding the garden and mowing the grass. Yawn.

I'm going to give a little flashback background information here to make the whole "driving up and back to Boston in one day to see a Red Sox game" a little more relevant. Mister and I have had this ticket package since the 2004 season, when we lived in MA. In 2004, the Red Sox won the World Series and were just about the most important thing in my life. I had no job, my mom was dying, I couldn't get pregnant and we lived 20 minutes away from Fenway. Any chance I had to escape from my regular life, I took it. I think I went to 30 Red Sox games that year and they were glorious.

When we moved to CT in 2007, we thought long and hard about renewing our tickets. Our package picks the dates of the games we go to and only a few are weekends. Most are Wednesday night games. We live in CT, but barely. We're on the NY border (less than 10 minutes away) so driving to Boston is kind of a hassle. It's about 3 hours to Boston.

Yesterday, we woke up early and drove up to Boston. My brother was home, so we hung out with him for a while, and then we went to the game. Of course, the game had a rain delay, so we sat in our seats for a while as we waited for the game to get started again. The game ended around 6, we walked back to the car, drove back to the house to pick up the dog and discovered that my dad was back from his vacation a day early! So then we hung out and visited with my dad, which was nice, but we ended up leaving his house around 9:30 in the pouring rain.

The pouring rain made our trip a lot slower than usual, and we didn't pull in our driveway until around 1 AM.

Yawn. I woke up around 10 today. (Unemployment totally has benefits...) The dog stayed in bed until 11! Lazy little pup. But really, it's still raining here, it's gray, we're tired, what the heck, why not? Maybe I'll even go back to bed.

(It was a great game though. The Sox won and I got to eat a Fenway Frank. I don't really require a lot to make me happy!)

Sigh

Today the social worker who is in charge of domestic adoption at our agency called. We had a really great conversation. She helped me so much as we talked about making our profile, adoption fees, failed matches. It was really one of the best conversations I've ever had with someone from our agency.

However, she suggested that we consider applying to some other agencies as well. Apparently at our agency, the list for a domestic adoption is long, and the list of expectant parents is short. Basically, it's a small program and they have many more people waiting than they will have babies to place. She said we could wait up to 3 years, and that if the timing of a placement is important to us (are there many people for whom the timing of an adoption is not important?) that one of the things that we could do to expand our chances while reducing wait time is to apply to some agencies in other states.

We basically have 3 choices now - we can stay with our current agency exclusively and just wait for as long as it takes, we can stay with our agency and expand to other agencies and put ourselves out there on multiple lists, or we could leave our agency altogether and just go to a completely different agency.

The social worker said that obviously, we're welcome to stay with our agency if we want. The problem is this "up to 3 years" business. Up to 3 years includes now, so it's possible that we'd be matched quickly, even long before 3 years. Possibly this year. (I know, I'm delusional, but I have to have something to hold onto...)

The hard part of this up and down adoption roller coaster is that I really have no idea what to do. Everything is different for every family in every situation. There's no "official next step." There's no crystal ball to look into and say that this is the fastest possible solution. Or even that the fastest possible solution is the right one.

The thing that makes me the most frustrated about picking a new agency is that it puts us back to where we were last fall. Last fall was spent listening to adoption slideshows online and making phone calls and sifting through information packets. I felt great when we selected our agency, when we mailed in the registration fee and the application packet. That was one thing off the checklist. Now we're possibly back to square one. At least we're closer to being home study ready at this point. But geez, square one. Again?!

And I'm not going to lie. In my fantasy view of the world, we will be completing an adoption in 3 years. But not for our first child! I'm not sure I can handle waiting 3 more years. Especially if I have nothing to show for it.

Bummer... But Hope Anyway

The principal e-mailed me last night - I didn't get the kindergarten job. She urged me to sign up to substitute in their district though, and hoped that she'd see me around. I haven't signed up to sub in that district, but I have in my town. I figure I'll add the other town as well, since it's only the next town over and not far away.

So I'll sub this year. It'll be OK. I'm kind of sad to not get a job for another year. (Because seriously?!? What the hell is wrong with me that I can't get a job for 2 years in a row?!?) It brings up all this self-doubt - should I be a teacher? Am I doing the right thing with my life? This job that I love and think I'm really good at, apparently no one else thinks I'm good enough. That kind of hurts.

So I'll sub and I'll continue to delude myself with thoughts that we'll have a quick adoption in the fall or winter and I'd have had to quit that job anyway.

I've had other times in my life when it was really hard to find a job, and looking back at them, I was fortunate to have had really precious non-job opportunities that I wouldn't have had if I had been working. When I first graduated, I couldn't find a job to save my life. Same kind of thing as now, I went on all these interviews and didn't get any jobs. Then my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and because I was not teaching, I had so much more time to spend with her. I wouldn't trade those last months with my mom for any job security or teaching experience in the world. And if I had been at work that year, I would have missed being with her.

Last year, with no job, it was kind of my hedonistic year. I really focused on doing things that I love. I tried new things I didn't even know I loved. I took a photography class, which was really awesome and I ended up buying myself a fabulous camera and I learned how to use it. I love to bake and cook (and eat, which is why I gained about 10 pounds too...) so I spent the year baking new things. Also, I traveled a lot last year. I went to France and Spain and Ireland during the school year, and California last summer. It's been a busy year, even without a job.

I'm open to taking full advantage of this time off. I had hoped I'd take advantage of a job this year. But if not, then hopefully I'll finally get to be a mother. I do recognize how those two things are not related, in theory. At least subbing this year will give me the opportunity to continue to travel and do fun things that I like, regardless of when (if) we are matched.

But really, I have this secret fantasy. I guess it's not going to be a secret fantasy anymore, since I'm about to say what it is. Basically, it goes like this - shortly after we're finished with our home study, we're matched quickly. This is the part where the fantasy gets fuzzy, but it ends with me buying a Baby's First Christmas 2010 ornament for our tree. Fantasy, I know. But it's fun to dream...

Together Again

Well, Mister and I are walking together again. Figuratively, of course. Well literally, too, when we are walking. Right now he's sleeping and I'm awake, so we're not really together at this exact moment, but whatev.

The appointment has been made. It's not until the end of September, but I really don't care about that. We have a date, we have a target. This way, whether I get a job or not, regardless of anything else in our lives, I have a deadline and I hope to finish our profile by the time Mister goes to the doctor.

That way, as soon as our social worker gets his medical forms, she can finish our home study and I will have our profile finished. I hope we can have our profile out in the universe by October 1.

And from there, it's not up to us. We'll just do our thing and pray that we are matched with the right people. And then, maybe we'll be parents. How amazing that would be!

I had a moment yesterday, when I started to think of that marriage analogy I said last time, when one person is walking faster than the other, stopping every so often to turn around and say, "Hurry up!" Or the other side of it, when you're walking more slowly than the other person and you have to say, "hold on! Slow down!" Mister and I were walking together, completely together. Holding hands, walking side by side and really just walking together. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, Mister started going really really fast. We were still holding hands, though, and the result was that he pulled me forward. I caught up and we were walking together again.

For whatever reason, that image hits home for me. Our marriage is like that - we're together, completely, in lockstep. And then suddenly we're not, for whatever reason. We push ahead of the other, wait for the other one, hold hands and pull the other forward. Then, just as suddenly, we're together, completely in lockstep again. The most incredible thing about it for me is that whenever we're together and we're moving in unison, that's an unbeatable team. And there's no better feeling in the world than that.

More Hope

Well, I'm back from my interview. I think it went well. It was for kindergarten, so that's always a good thing. How can you go wrong with a group of 5 year olds?! After we talked, as I was leaving, the principal said that my passion for teaching was evident to them.

Clearly that's a good thing for her to have said. On the other hand, I've been on so many interviews and received so many compliments and heard such nice things, only to not get the job in the end.

So my fingers are crossed and I'm waiting in joyful hope for the phone to ring!

Funny, one of my friends told me that she'd say a prayer to Saint Anthony for me. Saint Anthony, for those who don't know, is the patron saint of finding lost things. Of all the prayers I've said in the last year for a job, I never thought of telling Saint Anthony that I lost my job and I need help to find it!

Saint Anthony, I lost my job. I really need your help to find it. :)

He's never let me down, so there's that. Fingers crossed and whatnot.

Hope

I got called for an interview later this week. I was so excited that I forgot to ask the principal what grade it's for! I tried to call back, but no one answered, and then I figured that I'd feel really dumb to leave a voicemail saying that I forgot to ask and she forgot to say, so I am just going to hope that I'm interviewing for kindergarten or first grade. I just hope it's not for 4th or 5th, since I've never taught either. While there's a part of me that would really prefer to have a baby this fall, I also wouldn't mind cashing some paychecks first. May as well start socking away the money for Adoption #2 while we can, right?

It's funny to think how quickly things can change. I might have to prepare a classroom next week. I'm not holding my breath though, because I've been on a bazillion interviews already this summer (and all during last year too) and I haven't gotten those either. But it's sure fun to hope....

And, if nothing else, if I do get a job, I'll have a place to wear all those skirts and sweaters and boots I saw in the catalogs yesterday!

An assortment

So it's August, it's almost 90 degrees in Connecticut right now and I'm looking at catalogs of fall clothes.

It's weird, because I'm not a cool weather person at all. I hate snow, I hate cold, and therefore, I cannot think of a more miserable time than winter. I hate socks and shoes - I'd wear flip flops or be barefoot all year if it were possible. Connecticut's winters are too cold and wet for that, unfortunately.

But I have to tell you... there is just something satisfying about looking at a catalog of new sweaters and jeans. More than any type of clothes, I love to look at fall clothes.

So yeah, it's 90 degrees, I'm sweating, and I'm looking at jeans, boots and sweaters. As a teacher, September is like my New Year's. I guess I have all those memories of starting anew in new clothes. The weird thing is that since I lost my job and haven't found another one, I have nowhere to wear new clothes anyway. I think I might try to sub this year, so maybe I'll need some new clothes after all.

In other news, I'm on a Nutella kick these days. My goal for tonight is an ice cream sundae with Nutella sauce. I think it'll be good. What better way to celebrate 7 pounds of weight loss in 4 weeks than with ice cream, right? Not that I'm trying to sabotage my success or anything. But you know, everything in moderation.

Anyway, I need to rebound from the last week or so. Since we got home from Colorado last week, I've gotten two Facebook pregnancy announcements and a third friend had her baby. Dear God, what a week. Just when I think everyone who could possibly have a kid already has, another pregnant person appears somehow. And oddly, I have a drastically reduced, pared down social circle as a result. I have like 5 friends. How could 3 of them be pregnant at the same time?!!? Sheesh. So yeah, ice cream for dinner tonight. And just because everyone I know is pregnant and I'm not, I may have a glass or two of wine. So there!

Bummed

I'm in a tough spot. I'm really sad and upset and hurt. But I don't want to be one of those complaining people who whines and moans and groans about everything and everyone.

We're almost done with our home study. We started the paperwork for our home study in November. It's been just over 9 months. We've done everything we needed to do, except for one thing. Mister hasn't been to the doctor. I went in April (and even then, I felt like it was taking so long... at that point we were at 5 months and it still felt long!) and I kept telling Mister that he has to go to the doctor for a physical. He said, "Yeah, ok..." and we moved onto our regular business. In May, I told Mister he had to go to the doctor. He said, "Yeah, ok...." and we moved on again. At some point in May, I told Mister again that he has to go to the doctor and I asked him if it would help if I made the appointment. He said he'd take care of it. He still hasn't.

I've dropped reminders here and there, I've said in a forthright way that this needs to get done. I've even had crying fits that he needs to get this done. He still hasn't.

It is not lost on me that the last time that Mister went to a doctor was to receive an infertility diagnosis. I believe that his last conversation with a doctor was that there was nothing the doctor could do for us. I understand that there are all sorts of emotions about going to a doctor for an adoption physical when the last doctor you saw was a doctor who said infertility.

I can not, I have not, I will not push him on this. Every step of this adoption has been about 100 times slower than it would have been if I were doing it on my own. I have to let him come to this in his time. I just don't think an adoption is the kind of thing he can do for me. Let me pick a restaurant or a movie or even a vacation spot, fine. Sometimes you let the other person have what they want, even if it's what you don't want. Sometimes you do what you need to do and don't say anything. Sometimes keeping the peace is the most important thing. I don't think that's the way to go for an adoption and parenting. We have to be in the same place at the same time about this.

This whole partnership thing. Man, it's tough sometimes. Sometimes you have to slow down and wait when you don't want to. Sometimes you have to move faster to keep up. But when you're in the same place at the same time walking at the same pace, there is just nothing like it. I'm keeping that in mind.

Even though I want to turn around and say, "HURRY UP!!!!!"

Like everything else in my life though, it takes as long as it takes and we'll be done when we're done. I'm not in a race with anyone and maybe there's some cosmic reason for the delay. Maybe someday it'll all make sense.

Back home!

We had a beautiful time in Colorado. It was so busy, but we had a really wonderful trip. The Mister had never been to Wyoming before (I had, but I was in high school and we went on a crazy family trip the summer I was 17. We went to 8 states in 3 weeks and we rented a van to drive all around the Western part of the country. 7 of us in a van. I was 17 and I scowled for pretty much the entire time.) so Mr. thought it would be fun to go to Wyoming. Cheyenne is about 90 miles away from Denver and there was a big rodeo in Cheyenne. Neither of us had ever been to a rodeo, so we decided to go for it. Additionally, they had some carnival/state fair thing going on at the same place. It was good fun. Lots of horses, bulls, and cowboys. I hadn't considered this when I agreed to go, but a rodeo is an awesome place to take pictures. There's a lot of unusual stuff going on at a rodeo.

Here's a cowboy falling off his horse.

Poor baby horse fell over! He was quick back up onto his feet though - even faster than the cowboy did.
This was our funnel cake sundae. I had never really considered this as an option, but that's why we have inventors. It was pretty darn fantastic.Then we went to Nebraska, back to Denver for a Rockies game, a concert at Red Rocks, but most importantly, the mountains. Holy moly, those mountains. I've never seen anything like them. It is hard to believe that those mountains and New York City can be in the same country. What an amazing country this is and what an amazing world!

So now I've added 2 new states to my list - Colorado and Nebraska. This brings me to a total of 39 states.

Here's the question - what are your rules for counting if you've been to a state before? Mr. and I were discussing this with my brother recently. My brother says you've been to a state as long as you are on the ground and left the airport. Good rule, but what if you don't remember it? When I was a baby (I forget exactly how old, but definitely under 2) my family went to New Mexico to visit my aunt and uncle and cousins. I remember nothing from this trip, so I've never counted that I have been to New Mexico. But really, I left the airport and probably had my feet on the ground. So I could count it, I guess. I just don't remember the trip at all, so I don't know if it's fair to count it.

Here's why this is important. This brother has been to 39 states. I've been to 39 states that I remember. If I count New Mexico, it's really 40 states. Do you think I can count New Mexico in order to have been to more states than my brother? Even if I don't remember New Mexico? I think so. I've been to 40 states and I'm ahead of my brother! Woo!